Honour what is important to your partner

When we are in a relationship we are very aware of what we regard as important to us in that relationship, but sometimes we forget that it is perhaps even more important to honour what is important to our partner. A relationship is a two way street and sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. When our partner was first attracted to us, he/she saw something in us that corresponded to his/her values. In a similar fashion we were attracted to him/her. A person’s values are very important to them, and they will be loyal to their values even before they are loyal to their partner – food for thought. We may not have the same values as our partner, but it is very important to hold them in respect. This will definitely endear us to our partner. There are the values of the Love Languages, which I have discussed before. They are words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time and receiving of gifts. We need to discover our partner’s love language(s) and communicate with them via these languages to attain maximum benefit out of our relationship. This is one way of honouring what is important to our partner. For more information on this, read “The Five Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman. Something men value a lot is their freedom. Some women give their partners plenty of freedom, and this is to be commended. Other women do not. Perhaps they are operating from a deep-seated sense of insecurity, or perhaps they gave their partner freedom before, only to have it abused. However, most men will deeply appreciate a woman who gives them freedom and will always gladly return to her once they are ready to “come out of their cave”. (Read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray.) Women, on the other hand, value a partner who gives them security. We are not necessarily talking about financial security here, but more about emotional security. A woman likes to know where she stands in a relationship, whereas men generally prefer a bit of a challenge. A woman needs to work on her own emotional security before she enters a relationship, because if she is “needy” she will drive all potential partners away. A man with a mature approach goes a long way in giving a woman the security she needs. Sometimes our partner’s values can be seen in their hobbies. This is often seen by the other partner as time that is taken away from the relationship and can be viewed as a threat. Again it is part of the freedom aspect that is so important in a relationship. Each partner should have the freedom to pursue their own hobbies, within reason. It is also important that if you have a consuming passion for one or other hobby that you do not neglect your partner at the same time. One must always keep a balance. Don’t: Trample on what your partner views as important, i.e. his/her values. Do: Learn to communicate with your partner via his/her own love language(s). © 2010, 2014 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Don't create baggage as you go along

What does the word “baggage” mean to you? We all want a partner who does not have baggage. We ourselves try not to have too much baggage. But there are plenty of us who actually create baggage as we go along in our relationship, as if there wasn’t enough of it already! We are all familiar with control dramas. We see them often in the movies and on TV. Is this what we should be modelling our lives on? This is the kind of behaviour that definitely creates baggage, baggage that need not have been there. People who create baggage usually do not think before they act. They act on impulses which they often live to regret. When we act on an impulse, we usually do not consider our partner’s frame of reference and where they are coming from. It is all about our own egos, what WE want and how WE see life. We are then acting from a limited perspective. When our partner makes us angry, we should count to ten and then count our words. What is it that is making us angry? Is it something that is threatening our ego? Are we reacting with an impoverished spirit and not an abundance mentality? Are we feeling threatened? Do we want to take revenge on our partner for an imagined wrong that we feel has been done to us? Good communication can do a lot to iron out misunderstandings that can lead to this kind of nonsense. Are we riddled with jealousy? Are we afraid to give our partners freedom because we are afraid to lose them? Deep-seated insecurities can lead to this kind of behaviour, which does not bode well for any relationship. So what can we do to avoid creating baggage? First and foremost it is very important to be grateful for all the good we have in our lives and in our relationship. This helps create the abundance mentality I have just mentioned. We need to focus on good, wholesome things and not give negativity a chance to take root. We need to BE the type of partner we want in our lives. All this does not come in an instant, but may take many years of continual work on ourselves. Sometimes it is even necessary to go for counselling. But the rewards are there, and it is definitely worth all the time and effort. Don’t: Get caught in the groove of continual control dramas. Do: Read “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle and broaden your perspective on life. © 2010, 2014 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Seek time-honoured values in your relationship

We would all like to ultimately be in a relationship that has stood the test of time, but to reach that much sought-after destination, we need to seek time-honoured values in our relationship. Integrity and trust are two very important factors in a relationship. It is very important that both parties should keep their word when dealing with their partner (and, indeed, in all of life!). We all want someone who is consistent, congruent, and reliable. No relationship built on a foundation of lies will last. We need to make honesty a habit, so that our partner will know where we stand and also where they stand. We want someone who will trust us enough to give us freedom and space, yet who can also draw us near and hold us close. This foundation of trust protects a relationship. You have then built your relationship on a solid pillar and you know you can count on it. Respect and consideration shown to your partner on a continual, long-term basis will endear you to him/her. This type of treatment from one’s partner gives a chance for real love to grow. We need to cultivate a healthy self-respect first before we can happily afford others the same respect. You may sometimes perceive your partner to be making wrong choices, but it is important to still respect them, and their choices, however hard this may be. Consideration for one’s partner’s happiness and wellbeing is also very important in a relationship. If we are selfish and always thinking of how we can please ourselves in our relationship, it will bring us short term gratification only. We are then always wanting more and more, and are never satisfied. This type of behaviour leads to a downward spiral in your relationship, and should be avoided. Loyalty and unconditional love are also important. We all want to know that our partner is faithful to us, no matter what. Our first loyalty should be to our partner, and if we are married, this is even more important. It is important that we are always supportive towards our partner, especially in company. It is very destructive to criticize one’s partner in the company of others, even if you perceive them to be wrong about something. Those matters should be sorted out in private. It is also important to us that our partner loves us unconditionally. None of us can be perfect, and we need to know we are accepted for who we are, despite of our shortcomings. We need to know that even if our behaviour is not always of the best, that we have a safe haven where our partner will love us regardless. We want this for ourselves, so we must afford it to our partners. Treat your partner in the same way as you would like to be treated. Take that one step further and treat them the way they would like to be treated. Remember, you will get back what you put into a relationship and much more, if you treat your partner well. Don’t: Look for short term gratification in your relationship at the expense of your partner. Do: Do unto your partner as you would have done unto you! © 2010, 2014 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Don't have unrealistic expectations

All of us want an ideal partner, someone who at least approaches our idea of perfect, but how does one find such a person when everyone around us seems to have issues, problems and baggage? Moreover we ourselves are always working through our own issues, so can we in any way be a perfect partner for someone else? When clients approach me for membership to Perfect Strangers, I sometimes sense they have unrealistic expectations. A woman, for example, may, before she joins, have an issue with men standing her up on dates. This is a very real problem that is re-occurring in her life, and she expects that when she joins Perfect Strangers this problem is just going to go away completely. My heart sinks when I hear things like this, because I know her problem is ongoing, and even the most reliable men on my books will somehow find a way of letting her down. There is something in her psyche that is inviting men to do this, and there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it until she sorts it out in her own mind. Then and then only will the problem be righted. Then there are others who find that in ordinary, everyday life they are meeting ordinary, everyday people, but they expect that when they join Perfect Strangers that they are suddenly going to meet partners who look like they have walked out of the movies or a glossy magazine! Nothing and nobody in this life is ever going to be perfect, but rest assured, you can find someone who is perfect for you, which implies that this person may have faults and issues, but they will certainly contribute towards your growth and development, which is, after all, why we have been put on this earth. The media can often be blamed for us having these unrealistic expectations. The movies, TV and popular magazines often portray highly attractive, airbrushed people with superb builds, but in reality only 2% of the population look like this. The media also portray most people as always ready for instant, uncomplicated sex, whereas in real life romantic love doesn’t always work in this way. They also blow up these people as heroes and heroines in everyday situations, and real-life people simply cannot compete. And so we idealise what we see and expect our partners to live up to these unrealistic expectations. By doing this, we are only setting ourselves up for disappointment time after time. We also need to do some soul-searching into ourselves and our own lives. Are we in any way being the kind of partner we hope to meet? I have sometimes had overweight men come for interviews who tell me they want to meet petite women! This is an extreme example, but it happens from time to time. And then I might have a woman who tells me there are no good men left. This is her perception, but it is based on a lie which she has come to believe as true. She expects to meet only “bad” men and this is what she will find time after time. So expecting the worst is also an example of having unrealistic expectations. When we are in the middle of a situation, it is sometimes difficult to see life in its true perspective. It is best for us if we have a cautiously optimistic outlook, without losing track of reality. Don’t: Expect the airbrushed, skinny supermodels you see on TV and in glossy magazines to show up in real life. Do: Train yourself to have a cautiously optimistic outlook while at the same time keeping your feet firmly on the ground. © 2010, 2014 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Focus on your partner's good points

We all would like a partner who sees the best in us and believes we are well-intentioned. We want someone who turns a blind eye to our many faults and who loves us just as we are, warts and all. Because this is what we want, this is the kind of partner we must be ourselves. The Law of Attraction states that we bring about what we focus on. So if we want a certain result, it is very important to control our thoughts concerning this matter. Most surely we want more of the good points of our partner and less of the ones we don’t like. And so we must focus on the things we like in him/her and ignore the things that bother us. Apart from the fact that we will then get more of what we want, we ourselves will be happier people because of our positive attitude, and so the spin-offs multiply and our relationship goes in an upward spiral of getting better and better. When we know our partner thinks well of us and expects the best of us, we are always very eager to prove them right and not to let them down. This is just human nature. Give someone a good name and they will do their best to live up to it. What’s more, it is also very important to let them know how much we appreciate the wonderful things they are and do, as this also opens up better communication between the two of you. Your partner will enjoy your conversation and appreciate you in return. I myself was once happily married to a man who was a smoker. I am not a smoker, and did not enjoy his smoking. I found when I focused on his smoking I made myself unhappy. When I concentrated on how wonderful a partner he was in other ways, I had a more balanced perspective, and rightly considered myself lucky to have him in my life. He passed away eight years ago and I remember him only as an exceptionally good husband who made me a very happy woman. It was a small sacrifice to put up with his smoking, considering what I received in return. Now that he is gone I only have good memories, and the smoking is a complete non-issue. I am glad we parted on excellent terms, and not with me focussing on his smoking. Don’t: Let little annoyances trip up your relationship. Do: See the bigger picture of your relationship in a balanced perspective. © 2010, 2014 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Make romance a habit

What is the glue that keeps relationships fun and exciting? Two major factors come to mind: chemistry and romance. Chemistry is either there or not there, and there is not much you can do to change it. But romance is equally as important, and it is something that can be worked on by both parties. We experience many different kinds of relationships in life, but the ones that we remember as the most poignant are those where romance has played a big role. Romance is what makes your partner special: it sets your partner apart from the crowd. We often think of romance as gigantic gestures which are obvious and “in your face”. But it is the small things that count (as my clients tell me again and again!). You can make a habit of keeping romance alive by doing little, inexpensive things that will make your partner love you to bits! Gestures of caring and consideration are very important when it comes to romance. Do you make it a habit to always be kind to your partner? Romance does not start in the bedroom, but is the way you treat your partner on a 24/7 basis! It is easy to be romantic when a relationship is new, but it is very important to keep up those wonderful habits you got into when your relationship started and make them a way of life. When you see couples that have been happily married for years, they have inevitably kept the fires of romance consistently burning. Romance need not be an expensive thing to maintain. It can be kept alive by being aware of the love language(s) that your partner speaks. (For more information on this read “The Five Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman. To summarise, the languages are: 1. Words of Affirmation (These are positive and often involve sincere praise and encouragement) 2. Physical Touch (This covers a much broader base than sex on its own) 3. Quality Time 4. Deeds of Service 5. Gift Giving(Gifts can be small and inexpensive – it’s the thought that counts!) Think about these five aspects of a relationship, and work out which one(s) appeals most to your partner. The way your partner treats you is a clue: they will relate to you according to their own love language(s), which is usually easy to spot. The very fact that you are making an effort indicates that you are already working on the romance in your relationship. Don’t: Let your relationship run on autopilot. Do: Make romance a habit, and watch love blossom! © 2010, 2014 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Practise gratitude

There is something that almost all of us overlook when it comes to relationships, and that is sincere appreciation for our partner. We all need to practise gratitude in life, especially when it comes to our partners. Never take a good relationship for granted, because you never know how long that person may still be with you. If your partner is showing you sincere appreciation for all you do for him/her, you just want to do more and more for them, and so the relationship goes in an upward spiral of just getting better and better. Sometimes in a relationship it can become hard to find things to be grateful for. Perhaps you and your partner are going through a difficult patch and things are not going so well. Isn’t it a good idea to rather focus on whatever you can find that is positive than to dwell on the negative and make yourself unhappy? You will find that if you focus on something positive, you will get more of that thing, and the negatives will tend to fade away. It all boils down to the Law of Attraction: You will attract into your life what you think about most. Gratitude is a habit and a way of life. It is a universal principle that applies in all spheres of life. Why would the universe give you more of something you like if you are not grateful for what you already have? It applies to our finances as well. If you teach yourself how to work with money, appreciate every cent you earn and work hard for it, you are more likely to prosper financially than if you have a “don’t care” attitude towards money. Similarly, if we study the art of good relationships, cultivate good habits in our relationship and appreciate our partner for being in our life, our relationship is likely to be healthy and very rewarding. If one has not yet consciously practised the habit of gratitude, how does one start? At the end of each day, before you go to sleep, think over the day and find at least five good things to thank your Creator for. Even better, write them down. Make this a daily habit, and before long you will find that your whole attitude to life has changed, and you are much happier. Moreover, as the years pass, this habit becomes ingrained, and you are a better person for it. At the same time, seize every opportunity to appreciate your partner, and let them know that you appreciate them. They will love you for it. Don’t: Take life and your partner for granted. Do: Seize every opportunity to sincerely appreciate life and the wonderful partner that you have. © 2010, 2014 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!