Choose the right partner

I so often hear from my clients that they keep on meeting the wrong person. Perhaps you, too, keep on meeting people who bring out the worst in you and do not treat you well. Firstly you need to recognise that this is a pattern in your life and that it is likely to repeat itself again and again, until you face it and deal with it. I myself also used to fall into this trap. I had disaster after disaster in my relationships until I married a psychopath! That was the turning point for me. In my mind, I had had enough, and after that I vowed and declared I was going to choose good men. And, shortly after that I met my second husband, Bryan, who treated me very well, and we were very happy. And, to prove that it was not just a fluke, I am now again happily married and treated like a queen. So the pattern has changed. How did I do it? If I look back, I always used to choose “exciting” men, men who were in it for themselves, who reflected back to me that I chose to be a “victim”. Because I was shown this type of example in my upbringing, I brought it to all my relationships. I chose to meet men who would reflect my “victimhood” back to me, so that I could learn from them how not to choose a life partner. Each disastrous relationship was an opportunity to correct the imbalanced perspectives that I had grown up with. I had to consciously analyse what was happening in my life, and from then on consciously choose “good” men. I instinctively knew that Bryan was a “good” man when I met him, and I consciously chose to further our relationship, because I knew he would treat me well. He was not good-looking or rich in a material way, which is what I always was attracted to previously. It took a conscious effort for me to stay on track and keep the relationship going, but I was handsomely rewarded for it in the long run. My present husband, Richard, is such a pleasure to live with, so the pattern has really and truly changed. I have learned that love is also a choice, and it’s not just about how one feels. You really can choose your partner, based on sensible criteria. And those criteria are the ones you are going to ultimately fall in love with and they will keep you happy for a long, long time. Men and women alike can learn not to be victims. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

How does one recognise one's soulmate?

How does one recognize one’s soulmate? Most of us tend to think we will recognize him/her immediately and then proceed to have a relationship most people only dream about. Sadly, in most cases, this does not happen. Bear in mind that many people who are extremely happy in their relationship did not start off in this way. In my own case, when I met my present husband, Richard, I was still getting over the death of my previous husband, Bryan. I compared him to Bryan and he was very different. Also I felt I was not ready for a relationship at the time. So I avoided him and it was only a year later that we met again. By then tremendous growth had taken place in my emotional and spiritual life, and I was prepared to give Richard a chance. At first, I felt a gentle attraction, but it was not the kind of attraction you read about or see in the movies. As time went by, I found myself liking this man more and more, and, to my delight, I kept on discovering new things about him that I had always wanted in a man. Today I can honestly say I feel he is my soulmate. But, please note, I did not feel this way at all when I first met him. This is just what happened in my case, but perhaps there is someone out there you are not giving a chance, because you think lightning bolts are meant to hit you when you meet your soulmate. And also, please remember, a relationship takes time to grow. I knew my husband, Bryan, for 5 years before he passed away, but it took a number of years before we could really know that we loved each other, years of consistently caring and being considerate towards each other. Only when infatuation disappears does real love have a chance to take root. So real love is something that takes its time. It needs consistent nourishment and a mature approach. I wish you well in your search for your soulmate! © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Love Languages in a Relationship

Do you know that each of us has a special love language(s) through which we communicate with our partner? According to Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Languages of Love”, they are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch We usually communicate our love to our partner through one or maybe two of these languages. The problems set in when our partner speaks a different love language to what we do! We might think our partner does not love us, meanwhile they really do, but are speaking a different love language which we maybe do not understand so well, so we miscommunicate. If your partner often speaks encouraging words to you, it is likely that Words of Affirmation is his/her primary love language. And if this is the case, they will definitely appreciate it if you do the same for them. Watch your partner to see if you can identify their love language. This also corresponds to their values, and if you can link your values to theirs, you will have something marvellous in common. Speak their love language back to them, and a deeper understanding and love will grow between the two of you. Some people like receiving gifts. Your gift need not be big or expensive. It is the thought that counts. If you notice that your partner likes giving you gifts, they will more than likely appreciate receiving them too. Regard your gift giving as an investment in your relationship. In some cases this can be priceless. When Dr Chapman talks about physical touch, he is not only referring to the sex act, but to loving caresses you may bestow on your partner at odd times of the day, like rubbing his/her arm when you are talking to him/her. Some people like showing their affection via a loving touch. Be on the lookout for signs like this so that you can know your partner’s love language. If you do not speak the same love language as your partner, you may think they do not love you, which may not at all be true. You may simply be misunderstanding each other. Do yourself a favour and read “The Five Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman. People like being addressed in their own language, and so it is also with our own unique love language. Reading this book may just shine a light on a failing relationship. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, over 40% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Honesty is always the best policy

Today I am going to focus on why honesty is the best policy in your relationships. We have all heard the saying: “It pays to be honest”, but what will this mean to you in your relationship with your partner? Firstly, you want to lay a good foundation for the future of your relationship. As layer after layer of a relationship is built, it will be unstable if there is not a sound foundation based on honesty. We all want a partner we can trust. Someone who is reliable, consistent and open. So many of my clients ask to meet someone who has integrity and who is trustworthy. This factor of honesty is indeed high on everyone’s list of priorities. According to the Law of Attraction, like attracts like, so if you yourself are honest, you are likely to attract an honest partner. It is very important to BE the kind of person you want to attract. It is also very important to always be yourself, and not try and be someone you are not. I know a lady called Sandy, who tried so hard to impress her partner by trying to appear as if she was someone “better” than what she actually was. She confessed to me later that it was always so stressful to be in her partner’s company, as she always had to be “better than her best” and she could never relax. Of course, the relationship did not succeed. And some months later, through the grapevine, she heard that this man had initially liked her, but had been intimidated by what she projected, and had gone off in search of easier, more “laid-back” company. So this relationship was based on lies, and she lost a promising boyfriend. If she had just been herself, it might have turned into something more, which was what she wanted right from the start. Another lady called Madeleine fell in love with a guy she thought was a hunk, and whom she wanted at any cost. Shortly after they met, she started feeling that she was “too good” for him. She was still infatuated with him, however, so she started playing herself down and hiding all her good points, so that he would not be intimidated by her. In the end he turned out to be the kind of guy who often put her down, and she didn’t even have to put herself down anymore. Luckily her eyes opened and she got out of the relationship before it was too late. Her self confidence took a knock, however, and she is still recovering from the experience. There are many other detrimental twists and turns a relationship can take as a result of not being honest with one’s partner. I am not talking about “letting it all hang out”, but about a mature sharing of who you truly are with someone you really like a lot. If you are not the right partner for this person, the sooner you know about it, the better. Less damage will be done, and you will have a clearer idea of who your ideal soulmate is. I recommend that you are open and honest with your prospective partner right from the word go. If the relationship does not work out, you are more likely to at least have made a good friend. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 40% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special, many within a few short months! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

See your partner in perspective

Today I have given you an exercise you might like to do as you take stock of some of the past relationships you have had, or perhaps you can use it to see your current partner and yourself in a more balanced perspective. So many times a client tells me “Marilyn, I am so in love with x I can’t see straight.” Immediately alarm signals start going off in my brain, and I know that my client has put his/her partner on a pedestal, and is not seeing this person in perspective. Invariably people you put on a pedestal do something (or things) wrong at some stage and it is just a matter of time before you resent this person and you then figuratively put them in the pit. Meanwhile this person is just being true to him/herself, and is just living out their values, like they always have, and did not ask you in the first place to put them on a pedestal. There are many twists and turns a relationship can take, but this is one of the most common. So what is the solution? A method which may help is found in the book “The Heart of Love” by Dr John Demartini. First of all you write down this person’s name on a piece of paper, together with the date. Next, you draw several columns under their name. The first column must have the heading: “Trait I most like or admire about this person”. Think of as many traits as you can and write them down one below the other. You should be able to think of at least 20. This should be easy, because you are so infatuated. The next column must have the heading: “Initials of people who see this trait in me”. Then next to each trait you have listed in the first column, list the initials of these people. This is intended to make you realise that you are just as wonderful as the other person, and that you possess the same marvellous qualities. The next column must have the heading: “How this trait in him or her is a drawback or disservice to me”. Abbreviate your phrases, so they fit in, and list them on the same lines as the traits in the first column. This will help you to realise that maybe this person is not so “wonderful” as you initially thought, and is simply another human being, trying to make the most of his/her life, just as you are. The next column must have the heading: “How this trait in me is a drawback or disservice to others”. List the abbreviated phrases again, on the same lines as the traits in the first column. This will help you to see this particular trait in perspective, and that it is neither good nor bad, but that it simply is. And as it resides in your partner, so it also resides in you. If you do this exercise diligently, you will see your partner in a different light and see them more as they really are and not as some kind of wonderful fantasy person who actually does not even exist. You may even discover some wonderful things about yourself, and appreciate yourself more. Seeing people as they really are is a good way to start off a relationship. You will not be setting yourself up for disappointment. Recommended reading: “The Heart of Love – How to Go Beyond Fantasy to Find True Relationship Fulfilment”, by Dr John F Demartini. You will find a more complete version of the above exercise in this book. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

See every relationship as a success

Sometimes singles have very black or white ideas about relationships, particularly if a marriage or short or long term relationship has not worked out. They tend to think in absolutes, that because it didn’t last forever, the relationship was a failure, or worse still, that they themselves are failures. It would help if people would just look at the whole scenario differently. Firstly, you are carrying a very heavy weight by believing that you or your relationship was a failure. Secondly, this is not even true! Every relationship is a success if you grow from it and learn how to make better and more conscious decisions the next time round. You will have learned lessons from this relationship, which will stand you in good stead for all future relationships, and you are a better person because of what you have learned. Often I hear people say: “I’ve been divorced more than once. I’m a complete failure when it comes to relationships.” Or “None of the relationships I have been in have worked out.” One must learn to think differently about these relationships. Rather train yourself to think: “What have I learned from my marriage(s) and divorce(s) that I can use to make healthy, conscious choices as I move forward?” Or “What have I learned from this/these relationship(s) and how am I a better person because of them?” So stop beating yourself up about your past failed relationships, change your attitude about them and see them as learning processes. See yourself as a WINNER for having gone through the experience and coming out wiser at the other side. See yourself as brave for having made the attempt and know that a better future awaits you. I wish you luck for your future relationships! © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

The Number One Relationship Myth

What is the number one relationship myth that nearly all singles believe? When I meet my soulmate, we will live happily ever after and life will forever be a bed of roses. Somehow people think that once they meet their special partner and especially if they get married, life is going to magically change and there will only be pleasure and no pain… When you first meet your dream partner, yes, indeed, all is moonshine and roses, but there is a danger in that infatuation. You do not notice that he has bad table manners or that she is constantly clearing her throat. It is only when you know the person much better and have risen to some form of commitment, that these things surface in your awareness. That is what we call reality setting in … They did not make those marriage vows for nothing: for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health … These things really do play a role. Isn’t it better to experience life in all its richness? Aren’t the best friends tested “deur om ‘n sakkie sout saam op te eet"? We are not complete unless we experience the duality of life, in all its dreadfulness as well as all its splendour. When we have bad times, we appreciate the good times more, and if we are aware that the good times may not last forever, it keeps us humble. Would we build character if things always went well for us? No, we would become selfish, egotistical, horrible people. Yes, we need both the good and the bad times to make sense of this wonderful life. We need to stay centred and humbly grateful for both. When times are tough, it inevitably builds our character and makes better people of us. Are we not rewarded with a pearl of a relationship when we have withstood a tough test and come out together at the other end? So beware when you are infatuated and only see the good side of your partner. Try to remember that he/she is a person who has a good side and a bad side. THERE IS NOBODY WHO IS ONLY GOOD, AND THERE IS NOBODY WHO IS ONLY BAD, we all have both good and bad character and personality traits in our make-up, and that is reality. In all probability, you will RESENT the person you were once infatuated with, once you realise that person is not all you thought he/she was, and that they perhaps do not live up to your expectations. After infatuation has cooled down, you have a chance to get to know your partner properly. It is then that the lesson of your being together can be learned. We are all here to grow and evolve, and it is through our “rubbing against each other” that it happens. As they say in Afrikaans: “Yster slyp yster, vriende vorm mekaar.” Whether the relationship lasts or is only for a season, appreciate your partner for what you can learn from him/her. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!