Dating issues - various

Today I am going to cover some issues that I am often asked about: Why is it so difficult to find the perfect match these days? These days there are no longer arranged marriages, and people’s lists of what they want in a partner get bigger and better by the day, even to the point of being unrealistic. If people would just learn to love the person they find, and not have unrealistic expectations, they would be a lot happier. It seems that not only they, but the whole world must think their partner is wonderful. People are only human, after all, and one must realize that every person has good and bad character and personality traits. Is there an ideal partner out there for each of us? I believe there are several ideal partners out there for each one of us, it’s just a matter of finding them. But what we think is our ideal partner is often not the case and someone we may discard as irrelevant, may in actual fact be just the right partner for us. What do you find are the most important things one should have in common to be really compatible? Or is it not that important to have things in common? The most important thing to have in common is common values. A person will be loyal to his/her values before being loyal to a partner. Don’t underestimate the value of common values. What is the one thing that dooms any budding relationship? When one or both parties are in a hurry and take things too fast, the relationship is always on rocky ground. If you are not in a hurry, it usually augurs well for any relationship. How does one handle rejection? The important thing with rejection is not to take it personally. The reason you are rejected has usually 100% to do with the other person and their particular frame of reference and almost NOTHING to do with you at all. There will always be people who like you just the way you are, and at the same time there will always be people who find fault with you. I see this happening with my clients all the time. As many as there are people, there will be different opinions about them. These opinions have nothing to do with you, it is just how people perceive you, according to their own unique place where they are coming from. You remain unchanged, whilst all around you, different people perceive you differently. Therefore one should not take other people’s opinions, whether good or bad, too seriously. If you really think you can improve, then do something about it, but don’t be discouraged if you encounter rejection, simply move on to the next person to meet. Don’t: Be discouraged if you have difficulty finding that ideal partner. Do: Meet as many people as you can, and know that the right person is out there waiting for you. © 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Commitment in a relationship

Today I am going to cover an issue which I am often asked about, namely “At what stage is one ready for commitment in a relationship?” Firstly, I have noticed that almost inevitably, a woman will usually commit to a relationship before a man does. Invariably, she will phone me first to say she does not want me to arrange any more introductions for her, she and x now have a relationship. That’s all well and good, but has she any idea about how HE feels about commitment? Often it is not even the next day and x has asked me to organise another introduction for him!!! A man will often enjoy dating many women before he feels ready for a commitment. A woman seems to want to settle down earlier. Perhaps she is cheating herself out of meeting a variety of men. This would give her a better idea of what she really wants and she could have the opportunity to “practise” on men who are not so important to her, so that she is “ready” when the man of her dreams crosses her path. A woman is very appealing when she has her own busy life and lots of friends, and is not waiting for that telephone to ring. A man is more likely to adore and commit to a woman who fits this scenario, and who has lots of spunk, than one who is needy and clingy. It is not always a good idea for a woman to sit a man down and have a “commitment” talk with him. If he was committed to her, she would have known about it long ago, and it wouldn’t have been necessary to ask. She is likely to get an evasive answer, something like: “I don’t know what I want”. This is “guy speak” for “I’m not seriously interested in a relationship right now.” Remember, IF A GUY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS, HE GENERALLY DOESN’T WANT WHAT HE’S GOT. Lots of women ignore this principle. When men avoid, deny, react with anger, or play dumb, they’re communicating with indirect signals that they aren’t on the same page as a woman. If a woman ignores these signals, resists what he’s trying to tell her or tries to overcompensate in the relationship, she will never figure out how to make it work. And she’ll constantly remain the one who’s doing all the “work” in the relationship, only to have him sit back and not help out or do his part. If this is the scenario, a man will definitely not commit to a relationship. I notice that quite often both sexes are too “anxious” to have a committed relationship, which puts all sorts of pressures on the people they date. This actually chases those potential partners away, which is just the opposite of what they want to achieve. It is better to relax, have fun, and let the universe “unfold”. Let the universe bring your partner to you, let the relationship develop naturally, and commitment will not be an issue. A relationship will then not be such a lot of hard work. Don’t: Pressurise your partner too early for a commitment. Do: Relax, have fun, enjoy your dating and don’t be too concerned about results – they will sort themselves out. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Never take rejection personally

Many of you out there are probably wondering why you go out with someone for a first or second date and then nothing happens after then. There could be many reasons for this, but it is very important to never take anything personally. The reason could be as simple as there simply wasn’t a strong enough connection, sexual or otherwise. Most of the time when this happens, you and your partner are coming from two completely different perspectives. The fact that there was no connection has very little, if anything to do with you, so there is no reason to beat yourself up about it or wonder if there is something wrong with you. Remember, “elke pot het ‘n deksel”, and sooner or later, if you are giving off the right signals, someone will come along who is genuinely interested in dating you. Most of the time, men either feel an immediate sexual chemistry or there is no chemistry at all. This can be confusing for women, who often do not see a man in this way when they first meet him. My female clients sometimes tell me they can’t understand why x never phoned them after their first date, because they had such a good time. He obviously never felt any sexual chemistry, and that is why he never followed up. Men usually make up their minds in half a minute whether they are interested in a woman or not, based on sexual chemistry, whereas a woman will often wait to see how a man treats her and how he behaves before she makes up her mind about him. It is important to her that he is kind, and that he makes her laugh. Good manners certainly help. Always remember that the opposite sex sees things differently. It is very important for a man to not lead a woman on, right from the word go, if he knows he is not really interested. A lot of men, in an effort to be nice, say to the woman at the end of the date that they will phone her, not meaning to do so at all. This is wrong. Rather say nothing at all, than do something different to what you say. A man should have enough self confidence and be consistent enough to have integrity on this issue. Believe me, the women will appreciate this more than a meaningless promise. Women should recognise their own power and not be needy and desperate. If you really believe in yourself and have plenty going for you, you will not be phased by a man who dates you once or twice and then disappears. You will have your own busy and interesting life to contend with and if someone does not appreciate you, you have the self-confidence to know that there are plenty of others out there who will. It is very important to relax about dating and not worry about a clock that is ticking or feel that this is your last chance. Do not think that you will be a failure if your date does not work out as you planned or if the other party eventually is not interested in you. Your date will pick up subconsciously if you are needy or clingy, and nothing could be a bigger turnoff. Concentrate on enjoying the present moment with your date and do not have second agendas. Have innocent fun and laugh a lot. If you follow these guidelines, you are more likely to be successful in your dating than if you have planned an outcome before the time. Be fun and uncomplicated company, and your date is more likely to appreciate you. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Recognise your inherent magnificence

Have you ever been in a relationship where you craved commitment from your partner, but he/she just simply didn’t seem able to give it? Many people are in this position, and below are my thoughts on such a situation: When you have a partner, and you perceive (rightly or wrongly) that that person is in a stronger position than you (this can be real or imagined), you naturally want to align yourself with that person, so you yourself can become stronger. In your thoughts you have endowed this person with character and personality traits and capabilities that you admire and want to be associated with. You have more than likely idolized this person, and assume that they have something you do not have, e.g. you may perceive them as secure, and you assume that if you are married to them, you will also be secure. Two things I’d like to mention here: You are most probably not aware of your own strengths and capabilities, and secondly, as I have said previously, if you spot it, you’ve got it! It is important for the health of the relationship for each of the two partners to realize their own power in the relationship. So many of us think very little of ourselves and do not recognise our own inherent magnificence. What you need to do is to go within yourself in the seven areas of your life and look really hard for your strengths. The seven areas are: Spiritual, Mental, Vocational, Financial, Familial, Social and Physical. The strength you perceive in your partner is very likely to be an unrecognised strength within your very own self. Look deep within yourself for the same strengths he/she has in the seven areas of your life. Your strengths will manifest differently to your partner’s strengths, so look at things from a different angle. Once you can draw your own strengths into the light, you will look at yourself in a different way, and start recognising your power. Firstly this will allow you to crave commitment from your partner far less, and he/she will perceive you as less clingy. Secondly, when you recognise and acknowledge your own power, your partner will perceive you as more desirable, and he/she will be far more likely to commit him/herself to you! So as you can see, this process is a double-edged sword and a good tool to use in all your relationships. For more information on this process, read “The Heart of Love” by Dr John Demartini. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Choose the right partner

I so often hear from my clients that they keep on meeting the wrong person. Perhaps you, too, keep on meeting people who bring out the worst in you and do not treat you well. Firstly you need to recognise that this is a pattern in your life and that it is likely to repeat itself again and again, until you face it and deal with it. I myself also used to fall into this trap. I had disaster after disaster in my relationships until I married a psychopath! That was the turning point for me. In my mind, I had had enough, and after that I vowed and declared I was going to choose good men. And, shortly after that I met my second husband, Bryan, who treated me very well, and we were very happy. And, to prove that it was not just a fluke, I am now again happily married and treated like a queen. So the pattern has changed. How did I do it? If I look back, I always used to choose “exciting” men, men who were in it for themselves, who reflected back to me that I chose to be a “victim”. Because I was shown this type of example in my upbringing, I brought it to all my relationships. I chose to meet men who would reflect my “victimhood” back to me, so that I could learn from them how not to choose a life partner. Each disastrous relationship was an opportunity to correct the imbalanced perspectives that I had grown up with. I had to consciously analyse what was happening in my life, and from then on consciously choose “good” men. I instinctively knew that Bryan was a “good” man when I met him, and I consciously chose to further our relationship, because I knew he would treat me well. He was not good-looking or rich in a material way, which is what I always was attracted to previously. It took a conscious effort for me to stay on track and keep the relationship going, but I was handsomely rewarded for it in the long run. My present husband, Richard, is such a pleasure to live with, so the pattern has really and truly changed. I have learned that love is also a choice, and it’s not just about how one feels. You really can choose your partner, based on sensible criteria. And those criteria are the ones you are going to ultimately fall in love with and they will keep you happy for a long, long time. Men and women alike can learn not to be victims. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

How does one recognise one's soulmate?

How does one recognize one’s soulmate? Most of us tend to think we will recognize him/her immediately and then proceed to have a relationship most people only dream about. Sadly, in most cases, this does not happen. Bear in mind that many people who are extremely happy in their relationship did not start off in this way. In my own case, when I met my present husband, Richard, I was still getting over the death of my previous husband, Bryan. I compared him to Bryan and he was very different. Also I felt I was not ready for a relationship at the time. So I avoided him and it was only a year later that we met again. By then tremendous growth had taken place in my emotional and spiritual life, and I was prepared to give Richard a chance. At first, I felt a gentle attraction, but it was not the kind of attraction you read about or see in the movies. As time went by, I found myself liking this man more and more, and, to my delight, I kept on discovering new things about him that I had always wanted in a man. Today I can honestly say I feel he is my soulmate. But, please note, I did not feel this way at all when I first met him. This is just what happened in my case, but perhaps there is someone out there you are not giving a chance, because you think lightning bolts are meant to hit you when you meet your soulmate. And also, please remember, a relationship takes time to grow. I knew my husband, Bryan, for 5 years before he passed away, but it took a number of years before we could really know that we loved each other, years of consistently caring and being considerate towards each other. Only when infatuation disappears does real love have a chance to take root. So real love is something that takes its time. It needs consistent nourishment and a mature approach. I wish you well in your search for your soulmate! © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Love Languages in a Relationship

Do you know that each of us has a special love language(s) through which we communicate with our partner? According to Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Languages of Love”, they are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch We usually communicate our love to our partner through one or maybe two of these languages. The problems set in when our partner speaks a different love language to what we do! We might think our partner does not love us, meanwhile they really do, but are speaking a different love language which we maybe do not understand so well, so we miscommunicate. If your partner often speaks encouraging words to you, it is likely that Words of Affirmation is his/her primary love language. And if this is the case, they will definitely appreciate it if you do the same for them. Watch your partner to see if you can identify their love language. This also corresponds to their values, and if you can link your values to theirs, you will have something marvellous in common. Speak their love language back to them, and a deeper understanding and love will grow between the two of you. Some people like receiving gifts. Your gift need not be big or expensive. It is the thought that counts. If you notice that your partner likes giving you gifts, they will more than likely appreciate receiving them too. Regard your gift giving as an investment in your relationship. In some cases this can be priceless. When Dr Chapman talks about physical touch, he is not only referring to the sex act, but to loving caresses you may bestow on your partner at odd times of the day, like rubbing his/her arm when you are talking to him/her. Some people like showing their affection via a loving touch. Be on the lookout for signs like this so that you can know your partner’s love language. If you do not speak the same love language as your partner, you may think they do not love you, which may not at all be true. You may simply be misunderstanding each other. Do yourself a favour and read “The Five Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman. People like being addressed in their own language, and so it is also with our own unique love language. Reading this book may just shine a light on a failing relationship. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, over 40% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.