What are your motives?

Last week an old client of mine, Gerrie*, renewed his membership with Perfect Strangers, my professional dating service. (Old clients often renew their memberships with me because they know that they meet wonderful people through me and they know that I look after them well.) He told me that a female client of mine, Leonie* had broken his heart. As far as I knew they had split up early last year, but I did not know why.

He told me that he was madly in love with her, but that she was in a hurry and wanted to get married. He felt that there was no rush and that it was better to take things slowly. Someone else had intervened and Leonie had paired off with this person rather, thinking that her objective of getting married would now be fulfilled. Gerrie felt that she had an ulterior motive in going out with him: that of getting married, and that she did not really love him just for who he was as a person.

Being in the middle, I can see the situation from both sides. Leonie felt she had been going out with him long enough and she had felt entitled to a commitment from him. As far as he was concerned, there was an unspoken commitment and he absolutely adored her. Wasn’t that enough for the shorter term?

Leonie may or may not be happy with the guy she is with now, I don’t know. But what I do know is that she gave up on somebody who really loved her because she had an ulterior motive: that of getting married. Gerrie felt that she did not really appreciate him and that if she had loved him in the same way that he loved her, she would have waited.

We can debate for hours on end about who was right and who was wrong. The point I am trying to get across is that it is better to approach relationships without an agenda. If we do, we are results oriented, and we focus on what WE want instead of what’s good for the relationship and for the other person. It’s really better when dating to enjoy and savour each moment, leaving the results to your Creator. He does things better and in far grander style than we could ever do for ourselves. LOVE is what a relationship is all about, and the sooner we let go and let God the better for both parties. The purer your motives, the better it will be for you all round.

© 2010 Marilyn Welch


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* Names have been changed.