Conditional Love

We all want a romantic partner who will love us unconditionally. Someone who will love us just for who we are. Someone who is not just being nice to us to see what they can get out of us. In the same vein we want someone who will also love us for who we are not, and who will accept us despite the fact that we may not be perfect. Conditional love can rear its ugly head at any stage in a relationship. If you sense that a new partner is pressurising you for this reason, regard it as a red flag. Conditional love is never a good start for any relationship. Sometimes conditional love for our long-term partners can be disguised. Let me give you some examples: James* has always appeared to be very concerned about his wife Betty’s* health. He makes sure he always manages to give her a lift to the gym and when he does the shopping, he always buys healthy snacks for her. At the back of his mind he is thinking that he always wanted her to be thinner. If she just weighed a little less he would take her on that overseas trip, and then he would not have to feel embarrassed about the extra 10 kilograms she has put on in the last 5 years. Amanda* wishes her husband Ben* was more ambitious and had a more lucrative career. She is always looking in the newspaper for other jobs he could take up. She seems to have forgotten that he is passionate about his present work. She also wishes he had a more expensive car. She would feel proud of him if he just earned a little more. She covers all this up by appearing to be very interested in him having what she would call a more “suitable” career where he could use more of his talents. Both Betty and Ben are aware that they somehow do not measure up in their partner’s eyes and feel that they have to “earn” their partner’s love. James and Amanda have both forgotten why they actually got married to their respective partners. Isn’t it sad that sometimes in a long-term relationship or marriage we lose track of what’s really important? If our partner were to die tomorrow, would their weight or their career be of importance? Wouldn’t we give our last cent to have had a mutual unconditional love between us? If we want unconditional love from our partner, we should be able to supply it to them as well. And isn’t it better to start with this kind of love right where we are and not look to see if the grass is greener on the other side? Nowadays with all the supermodels smiling at us from the covers of glossy magazines and with all the luxuries that money can buy, it is easy to become sidetracked and forget what real love is all about. Beware that materialism in its many guises does not sow the seeds of discontent in your once-happy relationship. If you are lucky enough to find true love in this life, look after it like gold. Opportunity often knocks only once. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. * Names have been changed. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!