Create space in your relationship

Today I am going to focus on creating space for each other in your relationship. I am reminded of when I was married to my second husband, Bryan, and how happy we were. He gave me all the space I could possibly have desired, and you know what? I just simply didn’t want to go anywhere! If he had cramped my space, you can be sure I would have found all sorts of things I wanted to get up to. And I afforded him the same space. He never abused his freedom, always told me where he was going and always phoned if he was going to be late. And I was happy to let him do as he pleased. It was such a free arrangement that we had. I would wish this for any relationship. Underlying the giving of space is an aura of trust. If one does not trust one’s partner, one is reluctant to give him/her the luxury of some space. Trust stems from a healthy self-respect and self-liking. You must trust yourself and have faith in your own integrity before you can trust someone else. With this attitude, you like to treat your partner the way you yourself want to be treated. You should offer your trust first, expecting it to be honoured. Only if this trust is broken do you need to reassess the situation. How do we behave when we know we are trusted? We put our best foot forward, not wanting to disappoint our partner. We want him/her to know that this is the way we want to be treated and that we deserve this trust. This kind of attitude inspires loyalty, which in turn creates greater trust, and so the spiral goes upward. And the more trust there is, the more space we are prepared to give our partner and the more freedom we both have. Needy, clingy people find it difficult to give their partners space. They need reassurance every step of the way and do not enjoy their own company. They tend to want to control their partner as they think this will make them feel more secure. What does this type of behaviour inspire in your partner? They want to get away from you and need even more space than what they normally would have wanted. The tight rein you try to harness them with just makes them want to rebel and so the spiral goes downward. It is important to be emotionally independent in order not to be needy. Your emotional wholeness will go a long way towards ensuring a happy partnership. Don’t: Hold on to your partner in an effort to make him/her stay with you. Do: Give your partner the freedom they deserve. They will love you for it and always want to return to you. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Give and Take in a Relationship

There is something that is very vital that must be present in a romantic relationship for it to prosper, and that is that there must be more or less equal give and take in the relationship. We all know of relationships where one party seems to be doing all the giving, and it becomes very hard for that person over time. So hard, that after a while it just does not seem worth it any more. Why do some people give so much and others just take? If we look into the cause for this, it gives us some clues. Someone who gives more than they receive often has some kind of inferiority complex, and believes that of themselves they are not enough to sustain their partner’s interest. They feel their partner is in some way(s) superior to them, and they must compensate by working harder at the relationship. They attribute values to their partner that they believe they themselves do not have, not realising that they probably have those same values, just manifesting in different ways. If you spot it, you’ve got it, i.e. if you recognise some or other characteristic in your partner, you are able to see it because you have that same characteristic and it is in your frame of reference. By not recognising your own good qualities, you feel you are not good enough and give away your power to your partner, and so the cycle starts of doing more for the relationship than your partner in order to keep the relationship going. This is an unhealthy scenario. The person who takes more than their partner often does so unconsciously, not even realising the sacrifices the other is making. When this kind of pattern is allowed to develop, the taker often takes for granted what his/her partner is doing and is not given a chance to do some of the giving. The taker is robbed of a chance to contribute equally and often starts to lose interest. The taker then does not see the giver as a person of equal status, with the same power as he/she has. The taker sees other people outside the relationship as having more power and more magnetic attraction. The giver ends up with feelings of jealousy and insecurity. As time goes on, the relationship becomes more and more unhealthy. These are some of the scenarios that underlie problems in giving and taking. It is much better if both parties can recognise their own power from the start and not be sucked into unhealthy behavioural patterns. Each partner should have a healthy self-respect and self-liking for a relationship to get off to a good start. Do not allow your partner to give or take more than you do, and the relationship is more likely to be on a good footing. Don’t: Attribute superiority to your partner Do: Recognise your own good qualities and keep your relationship on an equal footing © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

The importance of romance

I am often asked the question: “Who is the most romantic when it comes to relationships, men or women?” The answer is a little more complicated than one would think. Women often set the scene with candlelit dinners, setting the atmosphere for a wonderful evening at home, whereas men often feel that they are the planners, planning dates at various romantic venues. Both sexes can be good at the giving of romantic gifts like flowers and chocolates etc. Over time, I have come to the conclusion that the one who is more passionate and committed in a relationship will be the more romantic one. It is this particular partner who is more dedicated to the relationship, who will invest more in the relationship to keep it going, who will actively plan to keep romance alive. Romance is a vitally important element in a relationship between a man and a woman. It is the aura of romance that will set a relationship apart from other relationships and make it special. We can all be friends with anyone, but we normally only have room for one person when it comes to romance. And romance can be a time and energy consuming thing. It takes time and energy to plan special dates and outings, and buy suitable gifts for whatever occasion. Romance can also be a commitment of our energies to making our partner happy, whatever that may take. Married people should especially be on their guard when it comes to romance. Too often one becomes so accustomed to one’s partner that before one knows it romance has flown out the window. Children come along, work commitments take one’s time away from one’s partner, and all too soon romance can be a thing of the past. Married people need to actively work on the romantic element in their relationship to keep it special. One actually needs to make romance a habit. Start when your relationship is new and it is very easy, and then keep up those habits for a lifetime. It will be well worth the effort. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to look back on a lifetime of romance with one’s partner, rather than one of drudgery? Don’t: Think and act as if romance is not important in your relationship. Do: Make it a habit to plan for romance in your relationship – it will be well worth your time and effort. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Law of Attraction and First Impressions

We are all looking for that ideal partner, someone we can look up to and someone who we can see ourselves spending a lot of time with. A lot of us are also wondering just how we can meet this person. There is a way in which we are likely to meet this person, and it involves The Law of Attraction. The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like, so what this boils down to is that we are very likely to attract a partner(s) who is similar to us. So basically we ourselves must BE the type of people we wish to attract. A lot of us have long lists of what we require in a partner, never dreaming that if we do not get our own house in order, that person is very unlikely to appear. I have people all the time telling me that they want to meet someone who is honest, slim, someone who has little or no baggage, and they do not stop to ask themselves whether they also have these qualities. Food for thought … There are also those people who take a person at face value. First impressions are important, and there is basic, sensible behaviour that should be adhered to at a first meeting, but not all people show all their cards the first time we meet them. It is therefore a good idea to get to know a person gradually. As the layers of an onion can be peeled off one by one, so we can get to know a person. The true person and character is only revealed with time. I myself never judge my clients the first time I meet them, because a few months later I can have a totally different impression of them. During this time I have had many interactions with them and occasionally it turns out that they are a completely different person to what I had thought, and I have been doing this business for 16 years already! I myself almost bypassed my wonderful husband for this exact same reason. There were no fireworks when we first met, and I hastily assumed that he was not the one for me. A year later when we met up again, I decided to give him a chance, only to find out with time that we are very well matched. I had grown as a person before I met him the second time, and therefore had the maturity to appreciate him more. So we all need to work on ourselves and not make hasty judgements about potential partners we meet. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Relationships are learning experiences

Perhaps dating is not only about trying out and discarding partners who aren’t a perfect fit for us, but about learning relationship skills. As we grow into adults, we stop bringing an attitude of discovery and learning to our relationships. Instead we bring an attitude of evaluation and expectations. The only thing we want to discover is whether this is the right person for us. We’re less interested in learning skills that will help us be better partners for our future lovers, and more interested in evaluating whether we want to keep being in this particular relationship. No wonder relationships stop being so much fun! If you’re in a difficult relationship with someone that you don’t have fun with anymore, your immediate impulse is going to be to get out of the relationship. Obviously the relationship isn’t “right” for you because it’s hard work and unpleasant! But perhaps these challenges are actually proof that you’re in the “perfect” relationship for you at that particular time. Perhaps these challenges are actually teaching you exactly what you need to improve your understanding and move to the next stage in your personal growth. On the one hand this makes sense. When things are easy, you can just flow. You don’t have to think too much. You can just enjoy things. But when things are hard, you have to think about how you’re relating to your partner. You have to work through things. Your coping skills are put to the test. In other words, the harder a relationship is, the more learning opportunities you have. In short, as long as you focus on what the relationship is trying to teach you, no relationship is ever wasted. And so the most valuable relationship is the one in which you learn the most … not necessarily the one that lasts the longest. Relationships can thus be viewed as learning tools. Every relationship, whether good or bad, teaches us new skills. So if the real reason for a relationship isn’t finding “The One” … if it isn’t getting married someday … if it isn’t partnering with someone to raise a family … what is it? Perhaps the real purpose of relationships is to attract people to us in order to stimulate and support our growth and evolution as a being. And so the person we attract to us is exactly the person we need to teach us exactly what we need to learn at that point in our lives. Food for thought … What is your relationship teaching you? What has each one of your past relationships taught you? If you can approach your current or future relationships as learning experiences, rather than as win-lose situations where you “win” if you stay together and “lose” if you break up, then you may just find that you feel a lot better about them. You may just find that you’re attracting better and better partners … because YOU are becoming a better and better person yourself. Don’t: Think that a relationship has to be perfect for it to be worth the trouble. Do: Regard relationships as learning experiences and grow from them. I wish you luck with your relationships! © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Do you take your dates at face value?

We all have our ideas about what we are looking for in a partner, and it is very good to know what one wants, but what if one is so fussy, that one eventually has nobody to choose from? Every now and then I have somebody on my books who is very particular about what they want in a partner. There is a long list of MUST HAVES and MUST NOT HAVES. When this happens, this person’s list of potential partners is cut in half and it is very difficult to match him/her. Whilst this person is fully entitled to have their preferences, I sometimes wonder if this is wise. It also happens that I sometimes take a chance and introduce them to someone who is not “quite right” and they are overjoyed with the match. That special “chemistry” was there or they saw something else they liked and that list they had flew out the window! I was just as fussy some years back. Not that it helped, because I had many disastrous relationships! The first time I met my second husband, Bryan, I did not like him at all. He did not fit in with my “list” and I thought he was not at all suited to me. Two years later I met him again and decided to give him a chance because I then saw some very good aspects of his personality and character. That was an excellent move on my part, because he proved to be the most wonderful husband and we were very happy during the short time that we were together. I would have robbed myself of a blessing if I had stuck to my rigid “list”, and I am forever grateful for the experience of having had a happy marriage. The same thing happened with my present husband. There were no fireworks for me when I first met him, but as time went by I saw more and more things in him that I really liked and today I can truly say that he is the most wonderful husband and partner. Perhaps one should keep a healthy balance between having set ideas about what one wants and keeping an open mind. People are all so vastly different and each one has something good to offer. We would all like others to see us in the best possible light, so perhaps we should offer them the same opportunity and not make hasty judgements when we hardly know them. As we get to know someone, it is like peeling off the layers of an onion. There is always something fresh and new coming to the surface. One has to go through quite a few layers before one gets to the core of the onion, and similarly it takes us a long time to get to know someone. People are also always changing, so even if you think you know someone, you can be in for a surprise. Don’t: Take people at face value. Do: Be open to possibilities and give your dates a chance. May you meet a partner who will delight you! © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Expect the best

Some time ago I interviewed a lady who very quickly told me that she had met some horrible men, had some disastrous relationships and that all her friends had experienced the same thing. For this reason she was very dubious about meeting good men, as she had it firmly entrenched in her mind that there are no more good men around. I listened in dismay, because this kind of thinking is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and her chances of meeting a good man are minimal, if these are the thoughts she is feeding her mind. Many years ago, I myself fell into the same trap, and I also met dreadful men until I met my first husband, who was a psychopath! That really taught me a lesson, and I was determined at that stage to change my life, and change it I did. It was almost as if up until then I had the word “Victim” stamped on my forehead. From then on I decided to choose “good” men, and it was then that my life changed. I married Bryan, my second husband, and he was a “good” man and he treated me very well. After he passed away, I made friends with a friend of his, who is also a “good” man and today I have a wonderful relationship with my present husband, Richard, who treats me like a queen. All these men lived in Centurion, and there must be many more “good” men in Centurion, Pretoria, South Africa and anywhere in the world, for that matter. It is just a question of having the right mindset. The lady I interviewed is inviting the wrong men into her life by her negative mindset. She will continue meeting the wrong men until she changes her thinking. The universe has an infinite supply of good men, she is just attracting “bad” men because of the way she is thinking. If someone treats us badly, we must remember we more than likely invited that kind of treatment in some way. We will only allow someone else to treat us badly to the extent that we treat ourselves badly. We need to change our mindset, respect ourselves and put out the right thoughts, which includes thinking well of ourselves, everyone else, and especially the opposite sex, and then we are more likely to attract “good” partners. The same holds true for men who want to attract good women. They are out there, we must just hold the right thoughts, and the universe will supply them in abundance. For more information on this kind of thinking, read the books, “The Heart of Love” and “The Breakthrough Experience” by Dr John Demartini. These books will help you heal where you have been hurt and put you on the path to meeting suitable partners. Don’t: Make the mistake of thinking that everyone is the same. Do: Expect the best, and you will get the best! May you have an abundance mentality and meet the soulmate of your dreams! © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

The importance of self-respect

Does your partner treat you well? We all dream about having someone who will not only complement us, but be kind, considerate and thoughtful, and treat us with respect. We want someone who encourages us and brings out the best in us. The Law of Attraction in Quantum Physics states that like attracts like, and so we will attract the signal we are giving out. In other words, if we are kind, considerate and thoughtful towards our partners, and treat them with respect, we are likely to get the same kind of treatment back. So we must be the partner we dream of, and then we are likely to be treated in a similar way. I am not talking about being a doormat for someone or being a wimp in your relationship. We must obviously have a healthy self-respect first. This self-respect seems to command a respect from others and good treatment follows. So if we respect ourselves, we are also likely to find someone who respects him/herself and then things start falling into place. Perhaps we need to do some soul searching here. Are we in any way belittling our partners or putting them down? This kind of thing can be so subtle, but once it is there, it is a big turnoff. Men and women are very different, and sometimes we can be doing something that minimizes our partners without even realising it, simply because we do not understand how the opposite sex thinks. It is important to study and read up information on dating and how the sexes differ in order to be good at this. It is surely worth the trouble to do this if it means a rewarding relationship in the long run. We also need to examine ourselves and discover if we really like the opposite sex. Sometimes we were brought up with a parent(s) who warped our perception of how the sexes should behave and interact. This can cause a deep seated fear or dislike of one’s partner that one may not consciously be aware of. Should you suspect this is the case, it would be wise to go for counselling. For those of us who do not have a healthy self-respect, we must remember that other people will only treat us badly to the same degree that we are prepared to treat ourselves badly. It is really important for us to think well of ourselves and have a healthy self-esteem. This augurs well for all relationships. I wish you luck in your relationships! © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Dating issues - various

Today I am going to cover some issues that I am often asked about: Why is it so difficult to find the perfect match these days? These days there are no longer arranged marriages, and people’s lists of what they want in a partner get bigger and better by the day, even to the point of being unrealistic. If people would just learn to love the person they find, and not have unrealistic expectations, they would be a lot happier. It seems that not only they, but the whole world must think their partner is wonderful. People are only human, after all, and one must realize that every person has good and bad character and personality traits. Is there an ideal partner out there for each of us? I believe there are several ideal partners out there for each one of us, it’s just a matter of finding them. But what we think is our ideal partner is often not the case and someone we may discard as irrelevant, may in actual fact be just the right partner for us. What do you find are the most important things one should have in common to be really compatible? Or is it not that important to have things in common? The most important thing to have in common is common values. A person will be loyal to his/her values before being loyal to a partner. Don’t underestimate the value of common values. What is the one thing that dooms any budding relationship? When one or both parties are in a hurry and take things too fast, the relationship is always on rocky ground. If you are not in a hurry, it usually augurs well for any relationship. How does one handle rejection? The important thing with rejection is not to take it personally. The reason you are rejected has usually 100% to do with the other person and their particular frame of reference and almost NOTHING to do with you at all. There will always be people who like you just the way you are, and at the same time there will always be people who find fault with you. I see this happening with my clients all the time. As many as there are people, there will be different opinions about them. These opinions have nothing to do with you, it is just how people perceive you, according to their own unique place where they are coming from. You remain unchanged, whilst all around you, different people perceive you differently. Therefore one should not take other people’s opinions, whether good or bad, too seriously. If you really think you can improve, then do something about it, but don’t be discouraged if you encounter rejection, simply move on to the next person to meet. Don’t: Be discouraged if you have difficulty finding that ideal partner. Do: Meet as many people as you can, and know that the right person is out there waiting for you. © 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Commitment in a relationship

Today I am going to cover an issue which I am often asked about, namely “At what stage is one ready for commitment in a relationship?” Firstly, I have noticed that almost inevitably, a woman will usually commit to a relationship before a man does. Invariably, she will phone me first to say she does not want me to arrange any more introductions for her, she and x now have a relationship. That’s all well and good, but has she any idea about how HE feels about commitment? Often it is not even the next day and x has asked me to organise another introduction for him!!! A man will often enjoy dating many women before he feels ready for a commitment. A woman seems to want to settle down earlier. Perhaps she is cheating herself out of meeting a variety of men. This would give her a better idea of what she really wants and she could have the opportunity to “practise” on men who are not so important to her, so that she is “ready” when the man of her dreams crosses her path. A woman is very appealing when she has her own busy life and lots of friends, and is not waiting for that telephone to ring. A man is more likely to adore and commit to a woman who fits this scenario, and who has lots of spunk, than one who is needy and clingy. It is not always a good idea for a woman to sit a man down and have a “commitment” talk with him. If he was committed to her, she would have known about it long ago, and it wouldn’t have been necessary to ask. She is likely to get an evasive answer, something like: “I don’t know what I want”. This is “guy speak” for “I’m not seriously interested in a relationship right now.” Remember, IF A GUY DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS, HE GENERALLY DOESN’T WANT WHAT HE’S GOT. Lots of women ignore this principle. When men avoid, deny, react with anger, or play dumb, they’re communicating with indirect signals that they aren’t on the same page as a woman. If a woman ignores these signals, resists what he’s trying to tell her or tries to overcompensate in the relationship, she will never figure out how to make it work. And she’ll constantly remain the one who’s doing all the “work” in the relationship, only to have him sit back and not help out or do his part. If this is the scenario, a man will definitely not commit to a relationship. I notice that quite often both sexes are too “anxious” to have a committed relationship, which puts all sorts of pressures on the people they date. This actually chases those potential partners away, which is just the opposite of what they want to achieve. It is better to relax, have fun, and let the universe “unfold”. Let the universe bring your partner to you, let the relationship develop naturally, and commitment will not be an issue. A relationship will then not be such a lot of hard work. Don’t: Pressurise your partner too early for a commitment. Do: Relax, have fun, enjoy your dating and don’t be too concerned about results – they will sort themselves out. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Never take rejection personally

Many of you out there are probably wondering why you go out with someone for a first or second date and then nothing happens after then. There could be many reasons for this, but it is very important to never take anything personally. The reason could be as simple as there simply wasn’t a strong enough connection, sexual or otherwise. Most of the time when this happens, you and your partner are coming from two completely different perspectives. The fact that there was no connection has very little, if anything to do with you, so there is no reason to beat yourself up about it or wonder if there is something wrong with you. Remember, “elke pot het ‘n deksel”, and sooner or later, if you are giving off the right signals, someone will come along who is genuinely interested in dating you. Most of the time, men either feel an immediate sexual chemistry or there is no chemistry at all. This can be confusing for women, who often do not see a man in this way when they first meet him. My female clients sometimes tell me they can’t understand why x never phoned them after their first date, because they had such a good time. He obviously never felt any sexual chemistry, and that is why he never followed up. Men usually make up their minds in half a minute whether they are interested in a woman or not, based on sexual chemistry, whereas a woman will often wait to see how a man treats her and how he behaves before she makes up her mind about him. It is important to her that he is kind, and that he makes her laugh. Good manners certainly help. Always remember that the opposite sex sees things differently. It is very important for a man to not lead a woman on, right from the word go, if he knows he is not really interested. A lot of men, in an effort to be nice, say to the woman at the end of the date that they will phone her, not meaning to do so at all. This is wrong. Rather say nothing at all, than do something different to what you say. A man should have enough self confidence and be consistent enough to have integrity on this issue. Believe me, the women will appreciate this more than a meaningless promise. Women should recognise their own power and not be needy and desperate. If you really believe in yourself and have plenty going for you, you will not be phased by a man who dates you once or twice and then disappears. You will have your own busy and interesting life to contend with and if someone does not appreciate you, you have the self-confidence to know that there are plenty of others out there who will. It is very important to relax about dating and not worry about a clock that is ticking or feel that this is your last chance. Do not think that you will be a failure if your date does not work out as you planned or if the other party eventually is not interested in you. Your date will pick up subconsciously if you are needy or clingy, and nothing could be a bigger turnoff. Concentrate on enjoying the present moment with your date and do not have second agendas. Have innocent fun and laugh a lot. If you follow these guidelines, you are more likely to be successful in your dating than if you have planned an outcome before the time. Be fun and uncomplicated company, and your date is more likely to appreciate you. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Recognise your inherent magnificence

Have you ever been in a relationship where you craved commitment from your partner, but he/she just simply didn’t seem able to give it? Many people are in this position, and below are my thoughts on such a situation: When you have a partner, and you perceive (rightly or wrongly) that that person is in a stronger position than you (this can be real or imagined), you naturally want to align yourself with that person, so you yourself can become stronger. In your thoughts you have endowed this person with character and personality traits and capabilities that you admire and want to be associated with. You have more than likely idolized this person, and assume that they have something you do not have, e.g. you may perceive them as secure, and you assume that if you are married to them, you will also be secure. Two things I’d like to mention here: You are most probably not aware of your own strengths and capabilities, and secondly, as I have said previously, if you spot it, you’ve got it! It is important for the health of the relationship for each of the two partners to realize their own power in the relationship. So many of us think very little of ourselves and do not recognise our own inherent magnificence. What you need to do is to go within yourself in the seven areas of your life and look really hard for your strengths. The seven areas are: Spiritual, Mental, Vocational, Financial, Familial, Social and Physical. The strength you perceive in your partner is very likely to be an unrecognised strength within your very own self. Look deep within yourself for the same strengths he/she has in the seven areas of your life. Your strengths will manifest differently to your partner’s strengths, so look at things from a different angle. Once you can draw your own strengths into the light, you will look at yourself in a different way, and start recognising your power. Firstly this will allow you to crave commitment from your partner far less, and he/she will perceive you as less clingy. Secondly, when you recognise and acknowledge your own power, your partner will perceive you as more desirable, and he/she will be far more likely to commit him/herself to you! So as you can see, this process is a double-edged sword and a good tool to use in all your relationships. For more information on this process, read “The Heart of Love” by Dr John Demartini. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Choose the right partner

I so often hear from my clients that they keep on meeting the wrong person. Perhaps you, too, keep on meeting people who bring out the worst in you and do not treat you well. Firstly you need to recognise that this is a pattern in your life and that it is likely to repeat itself again and again, until you face it and deal with it. I myself also used to fall into this trap. I had disaster after disaster in my relationships until I married a psychopath! That was the turning point for me. In my mind, I had had enough, and after that I vowed and declared I was going to choose good men. And, shortly after that I met my second husband, Bryan, who treated me very well, and we were very happy. And, to prove that it was not just a fluke, I am now again happily married and treated like a queen. So the pattern has changed. How did I do it? If I look back, I always used to choose “exciting” men, men who were in it for themselves, who reflected back to me that I chose to be a “victim”. Because I was shown this type of example in my upbringing, I brought it to all my relationships. I chose to meet men who would reflect my “victimhood” back to me, so that I could learn from them how not to choose a life partner. Each disastrous relationship was an opportunity to correct the imbalanced perspectives that I had grown up with. I had to consciously analyse what was happening in my life, and from then on consciously choose “good” men. I instinctively knew that Bryan was a “good” man when I met him, and I consciously chose to further our relationship, because I knew he would treat me well. He was not good-looking or rich in a material way, which is what I always was attracted to previously. It took a conscious effort for me to stay on track and keep the relationship going, but I was handsomely rewarded for it in the long run. My present husband, Richard, is such a pleasure to live with, so the pattern has really and truly changed. I have learned that love is also a choice, and it’s not just about how one feels. You really can choose your partner, based on sensible criteria. And those criteria are the ones you are going to ultimately fall in love with and they will keep you happy for a long, long time. Men and women alike can learn not to be victims. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

How does one recognise one's soulmate?

How does one recognize one’s soulmate? Most of us tend to think we will recognize him/her immediately and then proceed to have a relationship most people only dream about. Sadly, in most cases, this does not happen. Bear in mind that many people who are extremely happy in their relationship did not start off in this way. In my own case, when I met my present husband, Richard, I was still getting over the death of my previous husband, Bryan. I compared him to Bryan and he was very different. Also I felt I was not ready for a relationship at the time. So I avoided him and it was only a year later that we met again. By then tremendous growth had taken place in my emotional and spiritual life, and I was prepared to give Richard a chance. At first, I felt a gentle attraction, but it was not the kind of attraction you read about or see in the movies. As time went by, I found myself liking this man more and more, and, to my delight, I kept on discovering new things about him that I had always wanted in a man. Today I can honestly say I feel he is my soulmate. But, please note, I did not feel this way at all when I first met him. This is just what happened in my case, but perhaps there is someone out there you are not giving a chance, because you think lightning bolts are meant to hit you when you meet your soulmate. And also, please remember, a relationship takes time to grow. I knew my husband, Bryan, for 5 years before he passed away, but it took a number of years before we could really know that we loved each other, years of consistently caring and being considerate towards each other. Only when infatuation disappears does real love have a chance to take root. So real love is something that takes its time. It needs consistent nourishment and a mature approach. I wish you well in your search for your soulmate! © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 49% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Of these, 71% remain in their committed relationships. Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Love Languages in a Relationship

Do you know that each of us has a special love language(s) through which we communicate with our partner? According to Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Languages of Love”, they are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch We usually communicate our love to our partner through one or maybe two of these languages. The problems set in when our partner speaks a different love language to what we do! We might think our partner does not love us, meanwhile they really do, but are speaking a different love language which we maybe do not understand so well, so we miscommunicate. If your partner often speaks encouraging words to you, it is likely that Words of Affirmation is his/her primary love language. And if this is the case, they will definitely appreciate it if you do the same for them. Watch your partner to see if you can identify their love language. This also corresponds to their values, and if you can link your values to theirs, you will have something marvellous in common. Speak their love language back to them, and a deeper understanding and love will grow between the two of you. Some people like receiving gifts. Your gift need not be big or expensive. It is the thought that counts. If you notice that your partner likes giving you gifts, they will more than likely appreciate receiving them too. Regard your gift giving as an investment in your relationship. In some cases this can be priceless. When Dr Chapman talks about physical touch, he is not only referring to the sex act, but to loving caresses you may bestow on your partner at odd times of the day, like rubbing his/her arm when you are talking to him/her. Some people like showing their affection via a loving touch. Be on the lookout for signs like this so that you can know your partner’s love language. If you do not speak the same love language as your partner, you may think they do not love you, which may not at all be true. You may simply be misunderstanding each other. Do yourself a favour and read “The Five Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman. People like being addressed in their own language, and so it is also with our own unique love language. Reading this book may just shine a light on a failing relationship. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, over 40% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers met someone special, many within a very few short months! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

Honesty is always the best policy

Today I am going to focus on why honesty is the best policy in your relationships. We have all heard the saying: “It pays to be honest”, but what will this mean to you in your relationship with your partner? Firstly, you want to lay a good foundation for the future of your relationship. As layer after layer of a relationship is built, it will be unstable if there is not a sound foundation based on honesty. We all want a partner we can trust. Someone who is reliable, consistent and open. So many of my clients ask to meet someone who has integrity and who is trustworthy. This factor of honesty is indeed high on everyone’s list of priorities. According to the Law of Attraction, like attracts like, so if you yourself are honest, you are likely to attract an honest partner. It is very important to BE the kind of person you want to attract. It is also very important to always be yourself, and not try and be someone you are not. I know a lady called Sandy, who tried so hard to impress her partner by trying to appear as if she was someone “better” than what she actually was. She confessed to me later that it was always so stressful to be in her partner’s company, as she always had to be “better than her best” and she could never relax. Of course, the relationship did not succeed. And some months later, through the grapevine, she heard that this man had initially liked her, but had been intimidated by what she projected, and had gone off in search of easier, more “laid-back” company. So this relationship was based on lies, and she lost a promising boyfriend. If she had just been herself, it might have turned into something more, which was what she wanted right from the start. Another lady called Madeleine fell in love with a guy she thought was a hunk, and whom she wanted at any cost. Shortly after they met, she started feeling that she was “too good” for him. She was still infatuated with him, however, so she started playing herself down and hiding all her good points, so that he would not be intimidated by her. In the end he turned out to be the kind of guy who often put her down, and she didn’t even have to put herself down anymore. Luckily her eyes opened and she got out of the relationship before it was too late. Her self confidence took a knock, however, and she is still recovering from the experience. There are many other detrimental twists and turns a relationship can take as a result of not being honest with one’s partner. I am not talking about “letting it all hang out”, but about a mature sharing of who you truly are with someone you really like a lot. If you are not the right partner for this person, the sooner you know about it, the better. Less damage will be done, and you will have a clearer idea of who your ideal soulmate is. I recommend that you are open and honest with your prospective partner right from the word go. If the relationship does not work out, you are more likely to at least have made a good friend. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 40% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special, many within a few short months! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

See your partner in perspective

Today I have given you an exercise you might like to do as you take stock of some of the past relationships you have had, or perhaps you can use it to see your current partner and yourself in a more balanced perspective. So many times a client tells me “Marilyn, I am so in love with x I can’t see straight.” Immediately alarm signals start going off in my brain, and I know that my client has put his/her partner on a pedestal, and is not seeing this person in perspective. Invariably people you put on a pedestal do something (or things) wrong at some stage and it is just a matter of time before you resent this person and you then figuratively put them in the pit. Meanwhile this person is just being true to him/herself, and is just living out their values, like they always have, and did not ask you in the first place to put them on a pedestal. There are many twists and turns a relationship can take, but this is one of the most common. So what is the solution? A method which may help is found in the book “The Heart of Love” by Dr John Demartini. First of all you write down this person’s name on a piece of paper, together with the date. Next, you draw several columns under their name. The first column must have the heading: “Trait I most like or admire about this person”. Think of as many traits as you can and write them down one below the other. You should be able to think of at least 20. This should be easy, because you are so infatuated. The next column must have the heading: “Initials of people who see this trait in me”. Then next to each trait you have listed in the first column, list the initials of these people. This is intended to make you realise that you are just as wonderful as the other person, and that you possess the same marvellous qualities. The next column must have the heading: “How this trait in him or her is a drawback or disservice to me”. Abbreviate your phrases, so they fit in, and list them on the same lines as the traits in the first column. This will help you to realise that maybe this person is not so “wonderful” as you initially thought, and is simply another human being, trying to make the most of his/her life, just as you are. The next column must have the heading: “How this trait in me is a drawback or disservice to others”. List the abbreviated phrases again, on the same lines as the traits in the first column. This will help you to see this particular trait in perspective, and that it is neither good nor bad, but that it simply is. And as it resides in your partner, so it also resides in you. If you do this exercise diligently, you will see your partner in a different light and see them more as they really are and not as some kind of wonderful fantasy person who actually does not even exist. You may even discover some wonderful things about yourself, and appreciate yourself more. Seeing people as they really are is a good way to start off a relationship. You will not be setting yourself up for disappointment. Recommended reading: “The Heart of Love – How to Go Beyond Fantasy to Find True Relationship Fulfilment”, by Dr John F Demartini. You will find a more complete version of the above exercise in this book. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

See every relationship as a success

Sometimes singles have very black or white ideas about relationships, particularly if a marriage or short or long term relationship has not worked out. They tend to think in absolutes, that because it didn’t last forever, the relationship was a failure, or worse still, that they themselves are failures. It would help if people would just look at the whole scenario differently. Firstly, you are carrying a very heavy weight by believing that you or your relationship was a failure. Secondly, this is not even true! Every relationship is a success if you grow from it and learn how to make better and more conscious decisions the next time round. You will have learned lessons from this relationship, which will stand you in good stead for all future relationships, and you are a better person because of what you have learned. Often I hear people say: “I’ve been divorced more than once. I’m a complete failure when it comes to relationships.” Or “None of the relationships I have been in have worked out.” One must learn to think differently about these relationships. Rather train yourself to think: “What have I learned from my marriage(s) and divorce(s) that I can use to make healthy, conscious choices as I move forward?” Or “What have I learned from this/these relationship(s) and how am I a better person because of them?” So stop beating yourself up about your past failed relationships, change your attitude about them and see them as learning processes. See yourself as a WINNER for having gone through the experience and coming out wiser at the other side. See yourself as brave for having made the attempt and know that a better future awaits you. I wish you luck for your future relationships! © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

The Number One Relationship Myth

What is the number one relationship myth that nearly all singles believe? When I meet my soulmate, we will live happily ever after and life will forever be a bed of roses. Somehow people think that once they meet their special partner and especially if they get married, life is going to magically change and there will only be pleasure and no pain… When you first meet your dream partner, yes, indeed, all is moonshine and roses, but there is a danger in that infatuation. You do not notice that he has bad table manners or that she is constantly clearing her throat. It is only when you know the person much better and have risen to some form of commitment, that these things surface in your awareness. That is what we call reality setting in … They did not make those marriage vows for nothing: for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health … These things really do play a role. Isn’t it better to experience life in all its richness? Aren’t the best friends tested “deur om ‘n sakkie sout saam op te eet"? We are not complete unless we experience the duality of life, in all its dreadfulness as well as all its splendour. When we have bad times, we appreciate the good times more, and if we are aware that the good times may not last forever, it keeps us humble. Would we build character if things always went well for us? No, we would become selfish, egotistical, horrible people. Yes, we need both the good and the bad times to make sense of this wonderful life. We need to stay centred and humbly grateful for both. When times are tough, it inevitably builds our character and makes better people of us. Are we not rewarded with a pearl of a relationship when we have withstood a tough test and come out together at the other end? So beware when you are infatuated and only see the good side of your partner. Try to remember that he/she is a person who has a good side and a bad side. THERE IS NOBODY WHO IS ONLY GOOD, AND THERE IS NOBODY WHO IS ONLY BAD, we all have both good and bad character and personality traits in our make-up, and that is reality. In all probability, you will RESENT the person you were once infatuated with, once you realise that person is not all you thought he/she was, and that they perhaps do not live up to your expectations. After infatuation has cooled down, you have a chance to get to know your partner properly. It is then that the lesson of your being together can be learned. We are all here to grow and evolve, and it is through our “rubbing against each other” that it happens. As they say in Afrikaans: “Yster slyp yster, vriende vorm mekaar.” Whether the relationship lasts or is only for a season, appreciate your partner for what you can learn from him/her. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Good endings make good beginnings

In the longer run, most of us want to find a special soulmate to share our lives with. On the way to finding this person, we are likely to engage in a number of relationships, some good and some not so good. It is important to end each relationship on a good footing with the other person, as good endings make good beginnings. When we are rejected, for whatever reason, we tend to feel resentful. When we are the one who has done the rejecting, we tend to feel guilty. Everybody has made mistakes in relationships, and it is natural to want to “fix” what went wrong. If the issues are unresolved, however, the next person we tend to attract is one where the same issues surface. We repeat this pattern until we get it right. Sometimes people end relationships with feelings of resentment or guilt because they have stayed together too long. They did not recognise that they were with the wrong person. Every relationship requires work to keep the romance alive and to keep the relationship on a generally happy footing, but if the work becomes too hard or too much, perhaps you were actually not meant to be with this person. They may try to change the other person or themselves, and in the process of trying to make the relationship succeed, they actually make it worse, creating frustration and disappointment along the way. At a certain point, you will recognise when a relationship is not a fit and then is the time you need to move on. It is perfectly OK to get to know a person, fall in love and later discover that this person is not the right one. That is why there is such a thing as courtship, where you get to know someone well before you feel certain enough to commit to engagement and ultimately marriage. A person may be close to being the right partner for you, but still not be the one for you. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean he or she is the one for you. Time spent together will guide you as to what your hearts are saying. It is important to listen to your intuition and also to try to see the relationship from your partner’s point of view. A one-sided relationship is not going to make you happy. It is important to not push or manipulate your partner into staying with you as this will cause them to resent you and then feel guilty – not a recipe for success. People should naturally and spontaneously want to be together, and it must be mutual. When we feel positive about a dating experience or an exclusive relationship that ended, we gain the ability to self-correct and move on. Instead of repeating the pattern the next time, we are attracted to someone closer to what we want, and ultimately our soulmate. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

What are singles looking for appearance-wise?

What are singles looking for appearance-wise? Remember, you never get a second chance to make a first impression! Men are very visually oriented. They will usually make up their minds within twenty seconds whether they are interested in a woman or not. They actually admit that they look at things like personality later. And 99.9% of the men all say that they do not want to meet an overweight woman! Weight is a big issue for men. For them, sexual chemistry is either there or not there. They are not like women, and most of them do not believe in giving it time. Every now and then I get a phone call from one of my female clients to say that she had a wonderful first date with x, but cannot understand why he has not contacted her again. I can see that he obviously only liked her as a friend, and that the sexual chemistry was not there for him. In a case like this, the woman must realise that men are different, love them for it, and move on. She may well be mistaken if she thinks that with time he will develop sexual chemistry for her. In practice this seldom happens. “Elke pot het ‘n deksel”, and there are enough other people out there for you to meet someone who finds you appealing. Most women, on the other hand, will be happy to give a man a few chances. For instance, a woman may wait to see how a man behaves in different circumstances or how he treats her before she finally makes up her mind. She will often accept it if a man is bald or if he has a bit of a tummy. Of importance to a woman, is that a man is kind and that he makes her laugh. If he has good manners and treats her well, that is a distinct plus. If you want to meet someone nice, you yourself must be marketable. Start with your appearance. A man wants to meet a FEMININE woman. A surprising amount of men look at FEET! Two things that put women off are men with huge stomachs and men who drink too much. Now and then I interview a man with a big stomach who wants to meet a petite woman! And he doesn’t realise that a petite woman would not want to meet him! Your appearance can be likened to your gift-wrapping, or the frosting on the cake. It can make all the difference between someone stopping to take a closer look or simply passing you by. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Relax whilst waiting for your dream partner

Today I want to focus on being relaxed about meeting your soulmate. So many times we are in a hurry and want it to have happened yesterday, but in practicality, this is not how life works. The universe is never in a hurry, and if we want to work with it, we would be wise to be patient. The universe unfolds, so they say, and that is a very gentle way of putting it. The universe is weaving an intricate tapestry of our lives intertwined with the lives of others, and its timing is exquisite. If you will just wait patiently, all the time working on yourself and knowing that the universe will deliver your soulmate to you, that person is sure to turn up at just the right time. Fruit is best when it is ripe and almost falling off the tree. If you try to push and rush something, it will not be of the best. Never be hasty. That is just the time when you might have poor judgement and make mistakes. Who of us has not burnt their fingers by being in a hurry? We all have tales to tell. Hasty people are bad shoppers! They don’t examine the goods thoroughly before they buy and often end up being dissatisfied with their purchases. Beware if your partner is in a hurry. What are their motives? Lust? Monetary greed? A ticking clock? If a person cannot even enjoy his/her own company, what kind of company will they be for you? These are all things to consider when approaching a relationship. Happiness is like a butterfly. When you pursue it, it is usually always just beyond your reach, but if you just relax, somehow, somewhere, it may alight upon your shoulder. It is just like this when you are seeking a soulmate. When you pursue a partner, they often flee. It is better to let a good romance and friendship develop slowly and sedately. We all at some time or other get caught up in a heady romance where things happen quickly, but how often does something like that last? “Elke pot het ‘n deksel”, the saying goes, and everything comes to he who waits. Have your dreams, but remember that patience and timing are crucial. Usually if we wait, what we want often lands in our lap, and then it is just perfect! © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

How to end a relationship and learn from it

Some time ago, a young lady phoned me to say she wanted very much to join Perfect Strangers. Her fiancée had just left her for another woman and she was devastated, to say the least. I could hear how distraught she was and she kept saying “Marilyn, what must I do?” Immediately red lights started going off in my mind. This woman was not in any state to start another relationship. She was not even ready to start dating again. Of course, she could not see it. What must one do in such a situation? One must always try to end a relationship in such a manner, that you are still on good terms with the other party. This is not always possible, but it augurs well for the next relationship. Next, one must take stock of one’s situation, take a step back and withdraw temporarily from the dating scene. Now is the time to search your heart and see if there are any unresolved issues you can work on (anger, jealousy, resentment etc.). Now is also the time to realise that the relationship was not actually a failure, even though it ended. It is not a failure, because you learned something from it, even if all you learned is how to do it differently next time. THERE ARE NO FAILED RELATIONSHIPS. All relationships are learning processes. You had your good times and your bad times. You enjoyed the good times and learned to love, and you must make sure that the lessons of the bad times sink in and stand you in good stead in all future relationships in that you do not repeat them. Do NOT, on any account feel that YOU are a failure. You have learned a lesson, albeit a painful one, and therefore, you are actually a WINNER, and you will do better next time. If you date or become involved too soon after a relationship has ended, you will take all your unfinished business to the next relationship and just repeat your experience, albeit in a slightly different way. Take this time to enjoy your own company, treat yourself and strengthen ties with family and friends. With time you will feel stronger and more relaxed about dating again. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

How do I attract the soulmate of my dreams?

How do you get your dream partner to come looking for you? You most probably have all heard about Quantum Physics and the Law of Attraction. This law states that like attracts like, and so, like a magnet, you will draw to you people who have similarities to you. You may say, but I am not like the people around me, and I say to you look again. As they say, if you spot it, you’ve got it. Your personality trait may just appear in a different or disguised form, but I guarantee you, you are reflecting what you see! So how to attract what you really want? The answer is almost obvious. You must BE the type of person you want to attract. Your psyche is sending out a constant signal to the universe of who and what you are, and people are picking up that signal. Sooner or later, someone with a similar signal will pick up yours and be drawn to you like a magnet … Therefore, if you want to find a suitable partner, it will be worth your while to work on yourself. Develop the personality traits you desire most in a partner, in yourself. If you have unresolved issues, you will draw to you people who will force you to work on those issues. This explains why a woman who has an alcoholic father may marry one or two, if not more alcoholics in her lifetime. She vows and declares she will never become involved with an alcoholic again, but who is she most attracted to? You guessed it. This is nature’s way of ensuring that we as people are constantly evolving towards becoming the best we can be. Sometimes the lesson is not learned the first or second time, but you can be assured, the same situations will keep happening until you learn to deal with your issues and put them behind you. These situations are seen as patterns in our lives, and we should be vigilant and go for counselling if there is something we cannot resolve on our own. A good book to read, which relates to this theme is “Keeping The Love You Find” by Harville Hendrix. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Flirting for your health

Flirting … the word conjures up images of something naughty but nice. We all love to flirt. It makes life fun and less dreary. It emphasises the differences between the sexes. It puts the sizzle in the steak! It makes us and the other person also feel good. To some it comes naturally, others somehow never get it quite right. But as long as there are men and women on this planet, flirting is here to stay … Flirting can be good for your health! There are also times when flirting can be unhealthy. Let me explain. We all like to have fun, right? As a rule of thumb, when we flirt for fun, and we do not have heavy agendas, this is generally healthy. When we have ego problems and want to “score” to soothe our damaged self-esteem, this is when flirting tends to be unhealthy. Innocent flirting can be a delightful way to attract the opposite sex. I suggest you make a habit of it. Flirt with people of ALL ages, not just the ones in your own age bracket. All this practice will make you an expert! This will ensure that it remains innocent and that you do not have agendas. An agenda will make your flirting heavy-handed and will rob it of its simplicity and charm. Even animals flirt. Did you know that? My cat charms the pants off all my friends and clients who come to visit me. He doesn’t care who they are. He is just his natural, affectionate self and everyone loves him! Why don’t you try some innocent flirting today? Make it a habit to be charming to everyone and you will see how naturally it comes to you. Word of caution: Don’t pick on obviously married people, don’t make trouble and very important: KEEP IT CLEAN!! Don’t have any other intention with it than to have fun. Your charm will be infectious and you will spread sunshine wherever you go. I dare you to flirt with someone today! © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Is your checklist getting too long?

We all have an idea of what we are looking for in a partner. Some of us know we’ll know instinctively when we meet this person, others have long lists of what they want. Which category do you fit into? Chemistry is something that rates highly with both men and women. It is this spark that is the glue that keeps a couple together. Chemistry is usually instantaneous, but it can certainly improve as time goes by. For those of us who have long lists, chemistry is something that occasionally makes us throw those lists out of the window! It is good to know what we want and don’t want when it comes to choosing our soulmate (or letting them choose us!). We should be aware of between two and five “must haves” and between two and five “can’t stands” at the most. We do, after all, know what makes us happy. The danger comes when our lists start getting too long. Sometimes we know exactly what we want down to the last ounce and will accept nothing else. This narrows down our choices considerably. Often this type of person does not even exist, and if they do, do we have any guarantees that they will like us? In our search for this elusive person we often discard very worthwhile candidates who will be excellent choices, but we are so set in our ideas that nobody else will do, no matter how wonderful they may be. It is always a good idea to keep a balance between knowing what we want and having an open mind. What could be nicer than meeting someone more unusual than our stereotypes we are hanging on to, and who opens up new and wonderful vistas that we never even dreamed of? Having set ideas can limit us and rob us of countless blessings. I dare you to be adventurous and let go of some of those preconceived ideas. I dare you further to enjoy the process and let dating and relationships be all the fun they can possibly be. We are the ones who will benefit if we just lighten up. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Bright, shiny object syndrome

Life has changed a lot since the “good ol’ days”. For some of us this is 40 years ago, for others it is as little as 10 years ago. At any rate, life has become a lot more fast-paced, and glitzy lifestyles are now the order of the day. Whilst this has been marvellous in many ways, good old-fashioned values seem to have flown out of the window. We are constantly bombarded with glamorous images of airbrushed models, exotic destinations, and we are thoroughly spoiled with cellphones, laptops, and modern conveniences we simply take for granted. If a man sees a long-legged blonde with a short skirt standing next to a girl who has a plainer appearance, he automatically chooses the blonde. Never mind that she is moody, bitchy and materialistic. He may well have had a more suitable girlfriend in the girl who was not so flashy, but in his eyes, at that moment, she simply didn’t exist. Women are just as much to blame. If a man drives an expensive car, has a top position in the corporate world and is good-looking as well, women flock to get his attention. Never mind that he is selfish, demanding and emotionally not available. His quiet, less eye-catching colleague is discarded as irrelevant. When we are invited to a function, we tend to judge the venue according to how trendy and “exciting” it is. We often couldn’t care less about the people and how welcome they make us feel. We feel good that we can say we have been to this funky place. These days TV ads and programmes are geared to flash rapidly from one scene to the next to keep us interested. It seems that this is the only way to keep our attention. Anything slower or less bright loses our attention. Good judgement and discernment have been put to sleep. Instant gratification is the order of the day. We are simply not prepared to wait for anything, no matter how worthwhile. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what is called “bright, shiny object syndrome”. If we are in this mindset when choosing a partner, it spells disaster. Adhering to good old-fashioned values which are in tune with the natural order of the universe is what is going to ultimately make us happy. Take a step back and assess your own personal approach to life. Is it making you happy? If not, you may be a victim of this syndrome. Life was so much easier many years ago. The trick is to keep life as simple as you can. It is the small, uncomplicated details of life that determine our happiness. If you live in the present as much as you can and try to savour each moment, you will enjoy life so much more. Try not to be side-tracked by the many distractions life hurls at you. Your world will not come to an end if you skip the news for one day. Similarly, if you put your phone on silent, put your computer aside for a few hours and go outside and enjoy the sunshine, you will feel like a new person. Take pleasure in nature, animals and close friends and family. When you are on your deathbed, these are the memories that will give you peace and happiness, not how you chased after “bright, shiny objects”. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

The value of waiting

We all want what we want immediately. These are the days of “quick fixes” and instant gratification. We are trained to find the fastest, easiest solution to all of our problems. We tend to “push fruit ripe” rather than wait for it to fall off the tree into our hand. Nowhere is this more true than in the field of romantic relationships. We are so hell-bent on finding someone special that we often don’t wait to really get to know our partners well before we tie the knot. We are bombarded with movies where people sleep together on the first night and good old-fashioned common sense seems to have flown out of the window. Sometimes in life, however, it pays to put aside the pushing and striving, and to just sit tight and wait. Wait for life to play itself out. Wait for your Creator to organise things. Wait for the fruit to ripen slowly and naturally. When we do this, we often find ourselves in a zone where what we want is slowly and steadily brought to our feet. Decisions are made by life itself and we find ourselves “in the flow”. We acquire great wisdom by holding back, and events and people reveal themselves like never before. Because we are not rushing into things, we have time to “smell the coffee”, get to know ourselves and others and, most importantly, we start enjoying the present moment. Next time you find yourself in a hurry to meet someone special or to push your partner into a commitment before he/she is ready, take a step backwards and think how much better the relationship will be if you let things develop slowly and naturally. Make it a habit in all of your endeavours to let life reveal itself to you first before you start pushing and manipulating things to go your way. You will use far less energy if you LET life and relationships happen rather than if you MAKE them happen. By doing this you respect the very important principle of giving your partner FREEDOM. We all want freedom ourselves, and it will come to us if we allow others to have it. There is value in waiting, despite what modern life is telling us. I challenge you to try it out for yourself! © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Instant Gratification

We live in the world of fast food and quick fixes. Nobody believes in waiting for anything anymore. We set goals and deadlines and are hell-bent on adhering to them. We are living in a world where we MAKE things happen. Whatever happened to the art of LETTING or ALLOWING thing to happen? It seems as if there is no room for the adventure of allowing one’s Creator to take care of things. This unseen force often does things better and in far grander style than we could ever imagine, yet we seldom, if ever, let go and let God … When it comes to romantic love and looking for our soulmate, we are no different. Often we have to grow into the state of readiness for this to happen. We ignore this fact, however, and chafe with impatience because the search is taking too long. We become frustrated when we keep on meeting people who are “wrong”, forgetting that we are attracting these people because there are issues we still need to work through before we will attract that special and longed-for person. Unfortunately there are no quick fixes when it comes to finding our life’s partner. Here snap decisions can shoot us in the foot. Rather let time show out to us the right person. Sometimes we just have to play life out before it becomes clear to us which person to choose, or as it often happens, which person chooses us! This endless waiting game can instil in us some very valuable qualities, such as consideration and humility. It can teach us to use our common sense and to open our eyes. With time, warning signals also become easier to read. Often when a relationship starts we turn a blind eye to things that are obviously wrong simply because we so badly want a steady partner. The waiting game, although frustrating, generally sorts out what is best for us. This is why I always say to my clients that when it comes to romance, we need to set a few parameters in place and then just let things happen. If we push fruit ripe, it is never as delicious as fruit which ripens naturally on the tree. It’s exactly the same with our love lives. Here patience is a winning recipe. When it comes to true love there simply are no shortcuts. Love needs to stand the test of time, and indeed we should let it do so when we are looking for our soulmate. I wish you luck in your search. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Retain your essence

One of the things that often happen when someone goes into a relationship, is that he/she seems to merge into the personality of his/her partner and often takes on some/many of the partner’s characteristics. One starts saying the same things, picks up the same mannerisms, goes after the same hobbies etc. By doing this, we change, and after a while we are no longer the person our partner fell in love with! Little wonder so many relationships fail and people fall out of love. We are all individuals and are made to stand out, not blend in. Each of us has something unique to offer our partners and bring to the relationship. This uniqueness makes us special and irreplaceable. Why on earth do we tone it down? One of the reasons we may do this is because of a poor self-image. We think we are not good enough just as we are. This may be our own opinion, but if we are thinking along these lines we are simply believing a lie. We ourselves do not go around thinking other people are not good enough, and they do not walk around thinking we are not good enough. It is a belief that we ourselves fabricate that keeps us thinking the worst of ourselves. This can hardly be called a worthwhile pursuit. Snap out of it and own your good points. Show them off to the world and develop them further. Make a point of always being your best self, and not a second-rate version of someone else. Your essence or soul is your own special blend of perfume and is your gift to the world. The world is not complete without you. You are a part of the music of the universe. Be visible and audible and show off your best you. This is the best way to be a happy individual and to make your partner happy as well. Don’t: Hide your light under a bushel Do: Always be your irresistible, irreplaceable self © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Conditional Love

We all want a romantic partner who will love us unconditionally. Someone who will love us just for who we are. Someone who is not just being nice to us to see what they can get out of us. In the same vein we want someone who will also love us for who we are not, and who will accept us despite the fact that we may not be perfect. Conditional love can rear its ugly head at any stage in a relationship. If you sense that a new partner is pressurising you for this reason, regard it as a red flag. Conditional love is never a good start for any relationship. Sometimes conditional love for our long-term partners can be disguised. Let me give you some examples: James* has always appeared to be very concerned about his wife Betty’s* health. He makes sure he always manages to give her a lift to the gym and when he does the shopping, he always buys healthy snacks for her. At the back of his mind he is thinking that he always wanted her to be thinner. If she just weighed a little less he would take her on that overseas trip, and then he would not have to feel embarrassed about the extra 10 kilograms she has put on in the last 5 years. Amanda* wishes her husband Ben* was more ambitious and had a more lucrative career. She is always looking in the newspaper for other jobs he could take up. She seems to have forgotten that he is passionate about his present work. She also wishes he had a more expensive car. She would feel proud of him if he just earned a little more. She covers all this up by appearing to be very interested in him having what she would call a more “suitable” career where he could use more of his talents. Both Betty and Ben are aware that they somehow do not measure up in their partner’s eyes and feel that they have to “earn” their partner’s love. James and Amanda have both forgotten why they actually got married to their respective partners. Isn’t it sad that sometimes in a long-term relationship or marriage we lose track of what’s really important? If our partner were to die tomorrow, would their weight or their career be of importance? Wouldn’t we give our last cent to have had a mutual unconditional love between us? If we want unconditional love from our partner, we should be able to supply it to them as well. And isn’t it better to start with this kind of love right where we are and not look to see if the grass is greener on the other side? Nowadays with all the supermodels smiling at us from the covers of glossy magazines and with all the luxuries that money can buy, it is easy to become sidetracked and forget what real love is all about. Beware that materialism in its many guises does not sow the seeds of discontent in your once-happy relationship. If you are lucky enough to find true love in this life, look after it like gold. Opportunity often knocks only once. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. * Names have been changed. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Change in a relationship and the role of values

The one and only thing in life that we can all be certain of is change, and relationships are no different. People change as they grow older and life situations are forever presenting us with challenges. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why there are so many divorces. Our feelings for our partners change as we go through the inevitable ebb and flow of life, and sometimes there is not enough depth and strength in a relationship to keep it together. This is one of the reasons why we should never rush into a relationship. If we intend spending the rest of our lives with someone special, that is a very long time, so what is the rush anyway? Hasty people make poor shoppers. In the first place we need to have the time to be absolutely sure before we make a long term commitment. For that we need time to test our partners and the relationship through all sorts of circumstances, good and bad. In Afrikaans they say: “Ons moet eers ‘n hele paar sakke sout saam opeet”. This is not a guarantee, but it can be a good indicator of whether or not our partner is right for us. That is also one of the reasons why we need to find someone who has the same values as we do and who consistently makes choices that are in line with our own values. Our values determine the actions we take on a regular basis throughout our lives and to find someone who is “in sync” with us on this score is a good starting point. A person always puts loyalty to their own values before loyalty to their partners. Let’s face it: We almost always put our own interests first. Basic values like honesty, integrity and kindness are usually there from an early age and if they are there, a person tends to act on these values for the rest of their lives. A person’s values are one of the few things that tend to stay the same rather than change. So determine what values are important to you and be sure to choose a partner who has these same values. This will surely help you and your partner to stay together over the longer term. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Is age important when dating?

In my experience as an expert matchmaker for professionals, I have noticed that single people are hung up on their list of attributes they want in a partner. They can become so single-minded about this that they ignore people of the opposite sex if they do not conform to this list. I see them throwing many good chances away of meeting suitable life partners. Whilst it is good to know what we want, we can become stuck in a groove if we stick to our list too strictly. One of my most eligible clients, a man of 50, was very perturbed when I wanted to introduce him to a 49 year old woman. She was, in my opinion, a good match for him, and they have many overlapping hobbies and interests, which would have given them a lot to talk about. He told me that up until now he had never taken out a woman older than 45, and he was sure he would not like her. It was clear to me that Tim* was stuck in a groove and that he was closing his mind off to a potentially excellent partner. If he had met her at a party and never known her age, he would have thought she was 42, there might have been chemistry, and age would never have come into the question. I also pointed out to him that many of the 40 year old women on my books would never want to meet a 50 year old man, considering that to be too old. The women, therefore, are also shooting themselves in the foot, because Tim is a very eligible single guy. When searching for a suitable life partner we need to keep an open mind and be willing to try new experiences. Perhaps the reason we have not met someone yet is because we are excluding a lot of wonderful people who do not conform to our unreasonably strict criteria. We need to jump out of the box and explore. How would we like it if other people excluded us in the same manner? Tim was quite shocked when he heard that there were 40 year old women that would never have considered him simply because of his age. It did not occur to him that women might judge him in the same way that he was judging them when it comes to age. In my mind both parties need to wake up a little. Rigid thinking can rob one of blessings. Don’t: Set impossibly strict criteria when searching for a life partner Do: Be adventurous, explore possibilities and keep your mind open when you are dating. *Name has been changed. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

The grass is not always greener

Some time back I interviewed a man called Sam* who has been widowed for just over a year. In that time he has met someone (let’s call her Mary*) whom he thinks is very special. She is beautiful inside and out and fits in well with his family. So why was he visiting me? It just so happened that when he married his wife, he was very young and she had been his childhood sweetheart. They had been happily married all the years and had provided a stable home for their children. Mary was the first person he met after his wife passed away. Although he and Mary are very happy, he has the sneaking feeling that he has missed out on something and that there might just be someone better than Mary out there for him. Immediately red lights started going off in my mind. It is so seldom that one finds someone one is really and truly happy with, why upset the applecart? Dating can be a mining field and sometimes you really need to be tough to live the single life. It is very important to be content with our present circumstances. The wealthiest people are those who are happy with what they have. Hankering after “better” partners and “better” circumstances can often impoverish our spirits. If we look at the glass as if it is half-full (and not half empty), and appreciate what we have, we are likely to be blessed with even better circumstances as time marches on. I discussed all this with Sam and I could almost see the relief washing over him. It was obvious that he really loves Mary and that in his heart of hearts he does not want to meet other women. He had almost felt it was his duty to “check out” who’s available. In some cases this can be the right thing to do, but as far as I am concerned, I know what it means to be in a wonderful romantic relationship, and I would never purposely destroy this kind of happiness for anyone. Therefore I advised him not to join Perfect Strangers and to further his already stunning relationship with Mary. He thanked me profusely for my inputs and left my presence a far happier man. Sometimes we need to be reminded that the grass is not always greener on the other side. If for some reason it appears to be, there may be a very expensive price to pay for it! * Names have been changed. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

How to listen effectively

Communication is part speaking and part listening. If we want the other party to hear what we are saying, we need first to afford them the opportunity of feeling that they have been heard. We are always so eager to have our own say and make sure that our partner hears us, but how often do we put ourselves in their shoes? When they speak, how often do we make sure we understood what they say the way they meant us to hear it? How often do we put our own interpretation on what they said, which sometimes has very little, if anything, to do with what they are actually trying to communicate to us? Listening, really listening to what our partner is saying, is the first step towards effective communication. When we listen, we sometimes need to hear what is not said, we need to understand their body language, we need to understand their spoken word according to their unique frame of reference. It also helps if we understand their unique love language(s) (Read Gary Chapman: “The Five Love Languages”). If we drop our own preconceived ideas about our partner and what they are trying to tell us, forget our own perspective on life and really, really listen, we may just discover that we do not even know this person! No wonder there are so many divorces. You can never really know what is going on in your partner’s head, but if you afford them the empathy I have just described above, you will go a long way in communicating effectively. Your relationship with this special person is then more likely to go in an upward spiral. Indeed, once you learn how to apply this to one person, you find you start applying it to everyone. It can be a life-changing exercise! © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!