Honesty is always the best policy

Today I am going to focus on why honesty is the best policy in your relationships. We have all heard the saying: “It pays to be honest”, but what will this mean to you in your relationship with your partner? Firstly, you want to lay a good foundation for the future of your relationship. As layer after layer of a relationship is built, it will be unstable if there is not a sound foundation based on honesty. We all want a partner we can trust. Someone who is reliable, consistent and open. So many of my clients ask to meet someone who has integrity and who is trustworthy. This factor of honesty is indeed high on everyone’s list of priorities. According to the Law of Attraction, like attracts like, so if you yourself are honest, you are likely to attract an honest partner. It is very important to BE the kind of person you want to attract. It is also very important to always be yourself, and not try and be someone you are not. I know a lady called Sandy, who tried so hard to impress her partner by trying to appear as if she was someone “better” than what she actually was. She confessed to me later that it was always so stressful to be in her partner’s company, as she always had to be “better than her best” and she could never relax. Of course, the relationship did not succeed. And some months later, through the grapevine, she heard that this man had initially liked her, but had been intimidated by what she projected, and had gone off in search of easier, more “laid-back” company. So this relationship was based on lies, and she lost a promising boyfriend. If she had just been herself, it might have turned into something more, which was what she wanted right from the start. Another lady called Madeleine fell in love with a guy she thought was a hunk, and whom she wanted at any cost. Shortly after they met, she started feeling that she was “too good” for him. She was still infatuated with him, however, so she started playing herself down and hiding all her good points, so that he would not be intimidated by her. In the end he turned out to be the kind of guy who often put her down, and she didn’t even have to put herself down anymore. Luckily her eyes opened and she got out of the relationship before it was too late. Her self confidence took a knock, however, and she is still recovering from the experience. There are many other detrimental twists and turns a relationship can take as a result of not being honest with one’s partner. I am not talking about “letting it all hang out”, but about a mature sharing of who you truly are with someone you really like a lot. If you are not the right partner for this person, the sooner you know about it, the better. Less damage will be done, and you will have a clearer idea of who your ideal soulmate is. I recommend that you are open and honest with your prospective partner right from the word go. If the relationship does not work out, you are more likely to at least have made a good friend. © 2009, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, 40% of the clients who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special, many within a few short months! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

See your partner in perspective

Today I have given you an exercise you might like to do as you take stock of some of the past relationships you have had, or perhaps you can use it to see your current partner and yourself in a more balanced perspective. So many times a client tells me “Marilyn, I am so in love with x I can’t see straight.” Immediately alarm signals start going off in my brain, and I know that my client has put his/her partner on a pedestal, and is not seeing this person in perspective. Invariably people you put on a pedestal do something (or things) wrong at some stage and it is just a matter of time before you resent this person and you then figuratively put them in the pit. Meanwhile this person is just being true to him/herself, and is just living out their values, like they always have, and did not ask you in the first place to put them on a pedestal. There are many twists and turns a relationship can take, but this is one of the most common. So what is the solution? A method which may help is found in the book “The Heart of Love” by Dr John Demartini. First of all you write down this person’s name on a piece of paper, together with the date. Next, you draw several columns under their name. The first column must have the heading: “Trait I most like or admire about this person”. Think of as many traits as you can and write them down one below the other. You should be able to think of at least 20. This should be easy, because you are so infatuated. The next column must have the heading: “Initials of people who see this trait in me”. Then next to each trait you have listed in the first column, list the initials of these people. This is intended to make you realise that you are just as wonderful as the other person, and that you possess the same marvellous qualities. The next column must have the heading: “How this trait in him or her is a drawback or disservice to me”. Abbreviate your phrases, so they fit in, and list them on the same lines as the traits in the first column. This will help you to realise that maybe this person is not so “wonderful” as you initially thought, and is simply another human being, trying to make the most of his/her life, just as you are. The next column must have the heading: “How this trait in me is a drawback or disservice to others”. List the abbreviated phrases again, on the same lines as the traits in the first column. This will help you to see this particular trait in perspective, and that it is neither good nor bad, but that it simply is. And as it resides in your partner, so it also resides in you. If you do this exercise diligently, you will see your partner in a different light and see them more as they really are and not as some kind of wonderful fantasy person who actually does not even exist. You may even discover some wonderful things about yourself, and appreciate yourself more. Seeing people as they really are is a good way to start off a relationship. You will not be setting yourself up for disappointment. Recommended reading: “The Heart of Love – How to Go Beyond Fantasy to Find True Relationship Fulfilment”, by Dr John F Demartini. You will find a more complete version of the above exercise in this book. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

See every relationship as a success

Sometimes singles have very black or white ideas about relationships, particularly if a marriage or short or long term relationship has not worked out. They tend to think in absolutes, that because it didn’t last forever, the relationship was a failure, or worse still, that they themselves are failures. It would help if people would just look at the whole scenario differently. Firstly, you are carrying a very heavy weight by believing that you or your relationship was a failure. Secondly, this is not even true! Every relationship is a success if you grow from it and learn how to make better and more conscious decisions the next time round. You will have learned lessons from this relationship, which will stand you in good stead for all future relationships, and you are a better person because of what you have learned. Often I hear people say: “I’ve been divorced more than once. I’m a complete failure when it comes to relationships.” Or “None of the relationships I have been in have worked out.” One must learn to think differently about these relationships. Rather train yourself to think: “What have I learned from my marriage(s) and divorce(s) that I can use to make healthy, conscious choices as I move forward?” Or “What have I learned from this/these relationship(s) and how am I a better person because of them?” So stop beating yourself up about your past failed relationships, change your attitude about them and see them as learning processes. See yourself as a WINNER for having gone through the experience and coming out wiser at the other side. See yourself as brave for having made the attempt and know that a better future awaits you. I wish you luck for your future relationships! © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate.

The Number One Relationship Myth

What is the number one relationship myth that nearly all singles believe? When I meet my soulmate, we will live happily ever after and life will forever be a bed of roses. Somehow people think that once they meet their special partner and especially if they get married, life is going to magically change and there will only be pleasure and no pain… When you first meet your dream partner, yes, indeed, all is moonshine and roses, but there is a danger in that infatuation. You do not notice that he has bad table manners or that she is constantly clearing her throat. It is only when you know the person much better and have risen to some form of commitment, that these things surface in your awareness. That is what we call reality setting in … They did not make those marriage vows for nothing: for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health … These things really do play a role. Isn’t it better to experience life in all its richness? Aren’t the best friends tested “deur om ‘n sakkie sout saam op te eet"? We are not complete unless we experience the duality of life, in all its dreadfulness as well as all its splendour. When we have bad times, we appreciate the good times more, and if we are aware that the good times may not last forever, it keeps us humble. Would we build character if things always went well for us? No, we would become selfish, egotistical, horrible people. Yes, we need both the good and the bad times to make sense of this wonderful life. We need to stay centred and humbly grateful for both. When times are tough, it inevitably builds our character and makes better people of us. Are we not rewarded with a pearl of a relationship when we have withstood a tough test and come out together at the other end? So beware when you are infatuated and only see the good side of your partner. Try to remember that he/she is a person who has a good side and a bad side. THERE IS NOBODY WHO IS ONLY GOOD, AND THERE IS NOBODY WHO IS ONLY BAD, we all have both good and bad character and personality traits in our make-up, and that is reality. In all probability, you will RESENT the person you were once infatuated with, once you realise that person is not all you thought he/she was, and that they perhaps do not live up to your expectations. After infatuation has cooled down, you have a chance to get to know your partner properly. It is then that the lesson of your being together can be learned. We are all here to grow and evolve, and it is through our “rubbing against each other” that it happens. As they say in Afrikaans: “Yster slyp yster, vriende vorm mekaar.” Whether the relationship lasts or is only for a season, appreciate your partner for what you can learn from him/her. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Good endings make good beginnings

In the longer run, most of us want to find a special soulmate to share our lives with. On the way to finding this person, we are likely to engage in a number of relationships, some good and some not so good. It is important to end each relationship on a good footing with the other person, as good endings make good beginnings. When we are rejected, for whatever reason, we tend to feel resentful. When we are the one who has done the rejecting, we tend to feel guilty. Everybody has made mistakes in relationships, and it is natural to want to “fix” what went wrong. If the issues are unresolved, however, the next person we tend to attract is one where the same issues surface. We repeat this pattern until we get it right. Sometimes people end relationships with feelings of resentment or guilt because they have stayed together too long. They did not recognise that they were with the wrong person. Every relationship requires work to keep the romance alive and to keep the relationship on a generally happy footing, but if the work becomes too hard or too much, perhaps you were actually not meant to be with this person. They may try to change the other person or themselves, and in the process of trying to make the relationship succeed, they actually make it worse, creating frustration and disappointment along the way. At a certain point, you will recognise when a relationship is not a fit and then is the time you need to move on. It is perfectly OK to get to know a person, fall in love and later discover that this person is not the right one. That is why there is such a thing as courtship, where you get to know someone well before you feel certain enough to commit to engagement and ultimately marriage. A person may be close to being the right partner for you, but still not be the one for you. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean he or she is the one for you. Time spent together will guide you as to what your hearts are saying. It is important to listen to your intuition and also to try to see the relationship from your partner’s point of view. A one-sided relationship is not going to make you happy. It is important to not push or manipulate your partner into staying with you as this will cause them to resent you and then feel guilty – not a recipe for success. People should naturally and spontaneously want to be together, and it must be mutual. When we feel positive about a dating experience or an exclusive relationship that ended, we gain the ability to self-correct and move on. Instead of repeating the pattern the next time, we are attracted to someone closer to what we want, and ultimately our soulmate. © 2008, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!