Conditional Love

We all want a romantic partner who will love us unconditionally. Someone who will love us just for who we are. Someone who is not just being nice to us to see what they can get out of us. In the same vein we want someone who will also love us for who we are not, and who will accept us despite the fact that we may not be perfect. Conditional love can rear its ugly head at any stage in a relationship. If you sense that a new partner is pressurising you for this reason, regard it as a red flag. Conditional love is never a good start for any relationship. Sometimes conditional love for our long-term partners can be disguised. Let me give you some examples: James* has always appeared to be very concerned about his wife Betty’s* health. He makes sure he always manages to give her a lift to the gym and when he does the shopping, he always buys healthy snacks for her. At the back of his mind he is thinking that he always wanted her to be thinner. If she just weighed a little less he would take her on that overseas trip, and then he would not have to feel embarrassed about the extra 10 kilograms she has put on in the last 5 years. Amanda* wishes her husband Ben* was more ambitious and had a more lucrative career. She is always looking in the newspaper for other jobs he could take up. She seems to have forgotten that he is passionate about his present work. She also wishes he had a more expensive car. She would feel proud of him if he just earned a little more. She covers all this up by appearing to be very interested in him having what she would call a more “suitable” career where he could use more of his talents. Both Betty and Ben are aware that they somehow do not measure up in their partner’s eyes and feel that they have to “earn” their partner’s love. James and Amanda have both forgotten why they actually got married to their respective partners. Isn’t it sad that sometimes in a long-term relationship or marriage we lose track of what’s really important? If our partner were to die tomorrow, would their weight or their career be of importance? Wouldn’t we give our last cent to have had a mutual unconditional love between us? If we want unconditional love from our partner, we should be able to supply it to them as well. And isn’t it better to start with this kind of love right where we are and not look to see if the grass is greener on the other side? Nowadays with all the supermodels smiling at us from the covers of glossy magazines and with all the luxuries that money can buy, it is easy to become sidetracked and forget what real love is all about. Beware that materialism in its many guises does not sow the seeds of discontent in your once-happy relationship. If you are lucky enough to find true love in this life, look after it like gold. Opportunity often knocks only once. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. * Names have been changed. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Change in a relationship and the role of values

The one and only thing in life that we can all be certain of is change, and relationships are no different. People change as they grow older and life situations are forever presenting us with challenges. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why there are so many divorces. Our feelings for our partners change as we go through the inevitable ebb and flow of life, and sometimes there is not enough depth and strength in a relationship to keep it together. This is one of the reasons why we should never rush into a relationship. If we intend spending the rest of our lives with someone special, that is a very long time, so what is the rush anyway? Hasty people make poor shoppers. In the first place we need to have the time to be absolutely sure before we make a long term commitment. For that we need time to test our partners and the relationship through all sorts of circumstances, good and bad. In Afrikaans they say: “Ons moet eers ‘n hele paar sakke sout saam opeet”. This is not a guarantee, but it can be a good indicator of whether or not our partner is right for us. That is also one of the reasons why we need to find someone who has the same values as we do and who consistently makes choices that are in line with our own values. Our values determine the actions we take on a regular basis throughout our lives and to find someone who is “in sync” with us on this score is a good starting point. A person always puts loyalty to their own values before loyalty to their partners. Let’s face it: We almost always put our own interests first. Basic values like honesty, integrity and kindness are usually there from an early age and if they are there, a person tends to act on these values for the rest of their lives. A person’s values are one of the few things that tend to stay the same rather than change. So determine what values are important to you and be sure to choose a partner who has these same values. This will surely help you and your partner to stay together over the longer term. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

Is age important when dating?

In my experience as an expert matchmaker for professionals, I have noticed that single people are hung up on their list of attributes they want in a partner. They can become so single-minded about this that they ignore people of the opposite sex if they do not conform to this list. I see them throwing many good chances away of meeting suitable life partners. Whilst it is good to know what we want, we can become stuck in a groove if we stick to our list too strictly. One of my most eligible clients, a man of 50, was very perturbed when I wanted to introduce him to a 49 year old woman. She was, in my opinion, a good match for him, and they have many overlapping hobbies and interests, which would have given them a lot to talk about. He told me that up until now he had never taken out a woman older than 45, and he was sure he would not like her. It was clear to me that Tim* was stuck in a groove and that he was closing his mind off to a potentially excellent partner. If he had met her at a party and never known her age, he would have thought she was 42, there might have been chemistry, and age would never have come into the question. I also pointed out to him that many of the 40 year old women on my books would never want to meet a 50 year old man, considering that to be too old. The women, therefore, are also shooting themselves in the foot, because Tim is a very eligible single guy. When searching for a suitable life partner we need to keep an open mind and be willing to try new experiences. Perhaps the reason we have not met someone yet is because we are excluding a lot of wonderful people who do not conform to our unreasonably strict criteria. We need to jump out of the box and explore. How would we like it if other people excluded us in the same manner? Tim was quite shocked when he heard that there were 40 year old women that would never have considered him simply because of his age. It did not occur to him that women might judge him in the same way that he was judging them when it comes to age. In my mind both parties need to wake up a little. Rigid thinking can rob one of blessings. Don’t: Set impossibly strict criteria when searching for a life partner Do: Be adventurous, explore possibilities and keep your mind open when you are dating. *Name has been changed. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

The grass is not always greener

Some time back I interviewed a man called Sam* who has been widowed for just over a year. In that time he has met someone (let’s call her Mary*) whom he thinks is very special. She is beautiful inside and out and fits in well with his family. So why was he visiting me? It just so happened that when he married his wife, he was very young and she had been his childhood sweetheart. They had been happily married all the years and had provided a stable home for their children. Mary was the first person he met after his wife passed away. Although he and Mary are very happy, he has the sneaking feeling that he has missed out on something and that there might just be someone better than Mary out there for him. Immediately red lights started going off in my mind. It is so seldom that one finds someone one is really and truly happy with, why upset the applecart? Dating can be a mining field and sometimes you really need to be tough to live the single life. It is very important to be content with our present circumstances. The wealthiest people are those who are happy with what they have. Hankering after “better” partners and “better” circumstances can often impoverish our spirits. If we look at the glass as if it is half-full (and not half empty), and appreciate what we have, we are likely to be blessed with even better circumstances as time marches on. I discussed all this with Sam and I could almost see the relief washing over him. It was obvious that he really loves Mary and that in his heart of hearts he does not want to meet other women. He had almost felt it was his duty to “check out” who’s available. In some cases this can be the right thing to do, but as far as I am concerned, I know what it means to be in a wonderful romantic relationship, and I would never purposely destroy this kind of happiness for anyone. Therefore I advised him not to join Perfect Strangers and to further his already stunning relationship with Mary. He thanked me profusely for my inputs and left my presence a far happier man. Sometimes we need to be reminded that the grass is not always greener on the other side. If for some reason it appears to be, there may be a very expensive price to pay for it! * Names have been changed. © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!

How to listen effectively

Communication is part speaking and part listening. If we want the other party to hear what we are saying, we need first to afford them the opportunity of feeling that they have been heard. We are always so eager to have our own say and make sure that our partner hears us, but how often do we put ourselves in their shoes? When they speak, how often do we make sure we understood what they say the way they meant us to hear it? How often do we put our own interpretation on what they said, which sometimes has very little, if anything, to do with what they are actually trying to communicate to us? Listening, really listening to what our partner is saying, is the first step towards effective communication. When we listen, we sometimes need to hear what is not said, we need to understand their body language, we need to understand their spoken word according to their unique frame of reference. It also helps if we understand their unique love language(s) (Read Gary Chapman: “The Five Love Languages”). If we drop our own preconceived ideas about our partner and what they are trying to tell us, forget our own perspective on life and really, really listen, we may just discover that we do not even know this person! No wonder there are so many divorces. You can never really know what is going on in your partner’s head, but if you afford them the empathy I have just described above, you will go a long way in communicating effectively. Your relationship with this special person is then more likely to go in an upward spiral. Indeed, once you learn how to apply this to one person, you find you start applying it to everyone. It can be a life-changing exercise! © 2011, 2013 Marilyn Welch. Marilyn Welch is the owner of Perfect Strangers Introduction Society for Professionals and in the last year, one out of every three people who joined Perfect Strangers, met someone special! Visit our website to meet a variety of quality partners amongst whom you may find your soulmate!